Hello fellow Summoners. I just wanted to share a silly story from my adventures at Pax East. I would like to thank Riot for the great booth, the lan party, and especially the pub crawl. I would mention all the Riot members I met but to be honest I can’t remember all yours ummoner names and I don’t want to leave anyone out. However, a special thank you goes out to Fierytrouble. Now, without further ado, a fan fiction of my adventure to hunt the elusive Teemo shroom.
I materialize into being in a strange land surrounded by concrete and steel. A cool breeze flows through my fur while the sounds of the ocean tide crash in the distance. This place is oddly familiar yet is clearly in a different time and place than the Summoners Rift which I normally call home. I can’t help but stare at the enormous structure in front of me. The sign reads “Welcome to Pax East 2012” and “Why your guy is ‘out sick”.
I laugh heartily to myself; truer words could not be spoken because on this day I had feigned sickness at the Summoners Rift so that I could queue into this limited time battle ground. Quickly I snap back into the moment and I see hundreds of friendly minions entering this grand coliseum. I can’t help but be drawn in their direction, for these mindless warriors serve but one function - to seek out and destroy our mortal enemies, the purple team. They always prove to be a great distraction as I sink my claws into opposing minions. This is a great way to warm up before I chase larger and deadlier prey.
Enough wasting time I tell myself and burst into the coliseums revolving glass doors.I quickly follow my minion allies, eagerly awaiting the glorious combat we shall share. “Halt” a minion with a red aura shouts to me. Disgruntled, I turn to see why this insignificant peasant would dare slow my pace. He tells me that I cannot just bypass the hundreds of minions and that I must stand patiently in line. “****!” I think to myself but for some reason I dare not defy this red glowing ‘Enforcer’. So here I am, nothing more than a common minion staggering off to be slaughtered. Pfft not I the great Warwick!
Yet here I am walking at a crawling pace down a hall only to turn down another hall, then down some stairs. Finally when I am just beginning to grow tired of the ridiculously slow pace I see the Starting Nexus. It’s enormous! The sheer number of minions gathered in this place sends a cold chill down my spine, making my tail twitch violently. There are thousands of them all patiently waiting in lines. Some are sitting enjoying a round of cards before they march into battle, while others play some strange hand held device. No matter their activities there is always the lingering scent of fear and the looming dread that most of them will die here today.
I find my spot in their queue and continue to marvel at their unbelievable numbers. Then, just as before, that cold chill shudders through my body as I think about what awaits me in the coming battle. I am alone with only these silly minions as allies against God knows what. It would take just a few enemy champions to slaughter my allies by the hundreds. While our numbers are impressive, I fear we may be out matched. This only serves to broaden my grin, my gleaming white fangs frightening those poor cowards around me. I scrape my glorious golden claws across the cold cement floor creating an eerie sound that sends more minions fleeing from my path.
Then it happens - the horns of battle sound and the masses spring forward eagerly seeking combat. As soon as this new arena comes into view I am stunned as if hit by Twisted Fate’s gold card. The horrific views my eyes take in are hard to describe. My fellow combatants are vanishing left and right. Some are being devoured by hideous aliens while others are being run down and splattered by tanks. Even more of them are being sniped by gunners jumping through the air. I have never met adversaries such as these before in my numerous battles. There is a winged-child with a bow and arrow blasting away at my poor allies, while a robed man with a glowing sword slashes them into pieces. He looks like Master Yi yet he has the power to toss things into the air with his mind. Another dark dressed assassin yielding a tomahawk is making short work of all in his path.
I spit on the ground cursing God for my bad luck. How could I be summoned to such a place without even a single competent ally? Then I spot a familiar face, Teemo.She is walking slowly up and down an aisle, on patrol I figure. “Hut two three four” I hear her say. How she has sided with these strange creatures I have to find out. I run up to her trying to carefully avoid generating agro from the nearby monstrosities. I shout to her over the intense sounds of combat, “What is this madness?!”
“This is PAX!” she squeaks back at me. “Do not fear these demons for they are only neutral creeps here for our enjoyment. They mean no harm, only practice fort hese minions so one day they too can become champions.”
“Lies!”I think as I edge slowly closer to tear her deceitful little throat out. Then I realize that indeed the shrieks and cries of my companions are not their dying screams but those of joy. Yes, they are being eviscerated by every foul beast there, yet they are resurrected nearly instantaneously and go on to challenge some new foe. I decide to spare Teemo for now and test my power against these outsiders.
One by one I tear through them; the aliens, the space marines, the child ‘Kid Icarus’,the assassin ‘Connor’, and even the silly Jedi. For none can stop the merciless rampage of my wrath. On my way to another battle my ears ***** as I hear that familiar war cry “DEMACIA!!” and a devilish grin slowly appears on my face. I race toward the sound and find that idiot, Garen, twirling stupidly through throngs of my minion brothers. I dive head first into combat, skillfully dodging his“spin to win”. I slash away at his armor all the while laughing with a murderous rage. I catch the look of fear in his eyes when he realizes there is no hope, and sure enough like the noob he is, he drops his Judgment right on top of me. I spring forward nimbly, dodging the sword while thrusting my clawed hand through his gut, spilling his intestines.I push further until I feel his spinal cord. I give it a quick snap and feel him go limp. I bite furiously into his throat and my eyes roll back into my head as the bloodlust overcomes me.
Something catches my eye as I toss his corpse to the ground. Low and behold, I find the PAX uniforms of Jax, Sivir, and Nasus in the bush Garen had been hiding in while he ambushed people. Surely those three had not blindly face checked this bush and been slain by Garen. I figure that pervert probably just stole them somehow. Inside Jax’s uniform I find a scroll with a great quest: “To win you must bring Teemo’s mushroom to the Nexus.” In the past I had stumbled across these shrooms on the Summoners Rift and I never cared for them much. They always exploded in my face causing a mild irritation and invoking a nasty coughing fit, which slowed my pace and revealed my location to the enemy.
I recall my encounter with the yordle earlier in my day. She had failed to mention that I needed one of her precious mushrooms to win this Pax. For that she would die slow and painfully. First I have to find her. To stalk the master scout will take all of my expertly honed tracking skills which I first learned in the Noxian army and perfected after Soraka’s curse took hold. I set off, going booth to booth in search of my elusive pray. Minutes pass like hours and hours like days. I fear that perhaps for once I may actually lose. Blasphemy! The great Warwick is far to OP to lose!
I just need a new plan. “Duh!” I think as I slap myself across the face. That coward would be stealthed and so would her obnoxious shrooms. I sprint back to the Nexus and guzzle down an oracles elixir. Poof! Teemo is before me sitting right at the Nexus. “What luck!” I think. Knowing that I can’t kill her at the base, I march up to her and say “I will stalk you for the rest of the day.” I watch the growing fear in Teemo’s eyes as a look of panic plagues her beautiful face. She says nothing as she runs to hide in the safety of her allies.
“Bwahahahaha Its only fun when they run!” I call out as I don my little red riding hood and blend seamlessly into the masses. I sit patiently watching from the shadows asTeemo scurries about. Chatting with her sexy ally Ahri while the resident stud Malzahar struts his stuff. Then it finally happens, Teemo slowly leaves the safety of her Nexus. However, she is not alone - she is hand in hand with Alistar. “Odd couple,” I think as I continue to stalk quietly from a distance awaiting the right time to strike!
Everything is going perfectly as I followed them to the top of the stairs where they browse through nearby vendors wares. Not finding what they are looking for Teemo and Alistar cross over the catwalk to another vendor. They make their purchase and sit quietly munching away. I find a perfect spot near the glass where I can observe all the festivities of the ever raging battles below while still watching Teemo in the glass’s reflection. I sit contemplating my attack and decide I will ambush them on the catwalk leading back to the Nexus.
Once they had finished stuffing their faces they meander slowly back to the catwalk.Completely oblivious to their silent stalker, it is time to strike. Infinite Duress!!!I spring from the void like a bat out of hell! Alistar swiftly comes to the rescue of his woman, knocking me high into the air and then back into the glass wall. Rising quickly to my feet I prepare to chase the wounded Teemo as the blood scent fills my every pore. Before the blood lust overcomes my mind I see what I have come for; the terrified Teemo had dropped a mushroom in her pathetic attempt to flee. This is all I need to complete my quest. “How delightfullyeasy,” I think. As I approach the Nexus with the shroom in hand I am greeted with cheers while” Victory!” pans over my head. I am given my prize, my very own Teemo hat! As the darkness overcomes my vision, like it usually does witht he ending of the day, “GG!!!” is all that echoes through my mind.
Again thank you to all the Riot members and everyone else at Pax East 2012! I had a great time and I hope you enjoy my fanfiction.
TLDR / Uh yeah… I win Pax East!