As a player of League of Legends and a poster on the forums, I feel that I clearly have a much firmer grasp of the realities of character design and game balance than the Riot staff, encased in their ivory towers high above the earth, and feel it is my duty to suggest changes to the wildly imbalanced champions found in their game, giving neither basis for my claims or helpful suggestions on how to remedy my complaints.
Alistar: Oh come on Riot what were you thinking, a purple minotaur, really? And look at his abilities. His passive makes it so towers are built out of macaroni and paste, he has a ridiculously large AOE stun, his headbutt automatically forces enemy champions to tower dive themselves to death, triumphant roar makes it so none of your minions ever die and his ultimate makes him unkillable past level 6.
Amumu: This is just a clear sign of how idiotic the riot idea of balance is, a champion who TRIES to be in the middle of a bunch of enemies at once. A stun that pulls him into the middle of an enemy team while completely disabling someone, an aura that sucks the health out of everyone REMOTELY near him INSTANTLY, a move that negates ALL DAMAGE dealt to him PASSIVELY while being a ridiculous AOE damage move with no cooldown and an ultimate that's an almost guaranteed pentakill. Not to mention his auto attacks make magic resistance useless against him.
Anivia: Holy one champion combo, Riot. I haven't seen such an absurd combination of spells since Channel-Fireball! Not to mention the fact she has an invincible wall to hide behind and can summon a Perfect Storm level blizzard right onto an enemy champion for practically no mana. And then there's her passive, where she turns into an invincible egg for five seconds rather than actually dying. Pokemon do not turn into eggs when their HP hits zero, Riot, they faint. God damn.
Annie: How could anyone think a free stun spell could be fair at any cooldown, let alone the spammable rate of Annie's disintegrate? Or an absurd AoE stun that deals ridiculously high amounts of damage as well? Or a giant bear that's basically a tank champion who stacked 6 sunfire capes and stuns whenever he shows up. Of course, a case could be made that Annie is fragile, if somehow you survive the 6 or so stuns you have to endure to reach her, except her shield races even the best DPS champs if she just stands there taking hits.
Ashe: As if a champion who can just sit at the fountain at level 6 and kill people literally anywhere wasn't bad enough, she gets 5 extra gold every time she does it- which she can immediately use at the shop she's already at! What the hell, Riot?
Blitzcrank: Blitzcrank is a bad name for this guy. He should be called "*****gank, the overpowered tank assassin carry who can solo an entire enemy team by typing ewqr repeatedly" instead. Every attack he makes pops people into the air, he runs and attacks faster than anybody else using overdrive, rocket grab is impossible to dodge and after level 6 lightning rains down from the sky slaughtering everything in his lane for free and automatically while he spams that massive ball of lightning all the time. And if you by some miracle manage to eat through his absurd armor and tons of HP, you have to deal enough damage to get past all of his MANA too.
Cho'Gath: Not only does he automatically kill any champion he attacks with his ultimate, he gets stronger with every use of it until he's larger and harder to destroy than your nexus and every tower on the map at the same time. Not that that means much, since he can just walk past them all after casting rupture from his fountain and arrive just in time to scream at you and then eat you, while tanking that tower in the back of the fountain for a solid minute.
Corki: As if an AoE Blind that makes both enemy stealth champions and enemy DPS champions completely useless, a Gatling gun that takes no skill to use and is impossible to defend yourself from weren't enough, between Valkyrie and Missile Barrage there hasn't been bombing runs so absurdly powerful since Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
Dr. Mundo: Infected cleaver may be a skill shot, but that hardly balances the fact it kills literally everything in four hits or less. Nobody can get anywhere near Mundo OR use crowd control effects on him while he has burning agony, and he has NO reason to turn it off EVER. Masochism means he's both a tank AND DPS champion, so all he needs is one Warmog's and he can wipe out every building on the map, and he moves and attacks faster than anyone while using Sadism and heals more than anyone could ever hope to deal to him.
Evelyn: Way to go Riot, this is a wonderful champion design. Nothing's more fun than being stunned out of nowhere, having all of your armor AND magic resistance torn down to 0, being hit every second by two lightning bolt attacks and the enemy champion who beat you healing afterwards. Invisibility is an overpowered ability, it's time to accept that and stop giving it to champions altogether.
Fiddlesticks: Come the heck on Riot. Silence AND fear? Why not just give him a stun that doesn't wear off until you die, it's basically the same thing. And because that somehow doesn't make him too hard to possibly ever kill, you gave him drain, so he's basically a tank. Then there's his ultimate, which is both a blink AND an auto-win in team fights. Sure, you could stack magic resistance to counter him, but his passive counters all of it anyway.
Gangplank: "A ranged attack on a melee champion that deals magic damage and is guarenteed to crit seems balanced to me," said one Riot staff member. "I concur," said another, "Let's also provide this champion with a combination of heal and cleanse, as well as a passive/active that allows him to attack and move faster than anyone else, as well as deny." "Brilliant!" replied the first staff member, "His ultimate shall be a massively overpowered global AoE nuke and his passive will make any attempts to heal damage fruitless!" "But he will require any skill whatsoever to use?" queried a third Riot staff member. "We haven't made a champion so far that does, why start now?" replied the first, and with that they all laughed and drank deep of their overworldly ambrosia.
Heimerdinger: An AoE blind that doubles as an instant tower kill, missiles that make escaping impossible and SIX impossible to destroy guns that rip your armor to 0 and splash? Probably the most overpowered hero in the game right now.
Janna: A practically infinite range AoE pop-up move? Not even as an ultimate? Really Riot? Why don't you just make her other moves ghostwalk and fortify? Oh you did? Well then, I suppose her ultimate probably throws enemies across the map in all directions, usually into your towers, while healing every ally remotely close by. Oh, and make her passive allow everyone on the team to move and attack faster than anybody else. It'll be fair.
Jax: As if the attack damage items weren't already ridiculously strong, along comes Jax who just passively doubles their effectiveness. For free! Add to this an absurd attack buff that splashes, a ridiculous jump attack, and a passive/active that lets you dodge every attack thrown at you while letting you mash an AoE stun every half second and you already have an overpowered monstrosity of a champ on your hands. Oh, and did I mention his ultimate is free, and therefore broken? Because it is.
Karthus: Lay waste does far too much damage for a move with no cooldown that's impossible to miss with. As if this wasn't bad enough, he has an invincible wall that reduces armor, magic resistance AND move speed all down to pretty much zero, leaving you in the perfect position to be killed by Defile- which will recoup basically ALL of his mana to boot. All this without even mentioning that his ultimate is just a pentakill from his fountain every minute or so, and the fact that his passive means he's never dead for more than ten seconds at time!
Kassadin: Silence and mana stealing on such an absurdly powerful DPS champion is bad enough without passive magic resistance and a ridiculously OP repeatable blink. The only balanced factor on him is that his ultimate, Force Pulse, requires charges to use.
Katarina: A mage with no cost to her moves, really Riot, what the hell were you thinking?
Kayle: Reckoning stuns for WAY too long to be fair, divine blessing lets anyone she heals move and attack faster than anybody, she can switch to being a ranged hero at will, and as soon as she gets her ultimate she will never take damage again. Not to mention the fact that if one of her allies ever dies anywhere her moves all become one hit kills.
Malphite: Why the hell would a tank who's already as rigged as Malphite need a global range group stun with no mana cost or cooldown? Not to mention that all of his moves get more powerful no matter what build you use on him. Why bother including AP in the game at all, Riot, when you have a champion who treats every stat like AP anyway?
Master Yi: Alpha strike's bounce range is practically global, meditate makes him impossible to damage while he heals like a million hp a second, wuju style means he never needs attack damage items and highlander lets him move and attack faster than anybody else while refreshing all of his cooldowns, meaning his moves has practically no cost at all.
Morgana: Lifesteal on spells, a massive AoE nuke, a shield that stops all damage and status effects AND an unavoidable snare on someone as absurdly tanky as Morgana would be bad enough if her ultimate didn't kill half the enemy team, leave the rest alive and completely stunned, then kill them off too from across the map. God damn.
Nassus: Syphon strike seems fair, who doesn't like handing dealing INFINITY DAMAGE on EVERY ATTACK? If only he had a way to completely stop people by supernaturally aging them while producing a ring of flames directly underneath of them that wiped out every minion on the map by consequence, and could then turn into a giant avatar of death that can move and attack faster than anyone. Maybe THEN he'd be "a little too good."
Nunu: Oh, a mage who gets free spells by attacking. That might be fair if the mage wasn't as tanky as a building and didn't have a spell that full healed it while killing every creep on the map in one shot. Then there's the Ice Blast spell, a no-cooldown slow spell, and blood boil which lets Nunu, or anyone else they target, attack and move faster than anybody. Then there's the nearly instantaneous ultimate he can pull out of absolutely nowhere for triple-to-pentakills regularly.
Rammus: Infinity armor, 25% of infinity attack, and a move that kills everything around him including buildings? Oh well, it's not like he can move at 700 km/h. OH WAIT.
Ryze: Jesus Murphy Brown on a pogo stick having *** with my sister Riot, what the hell were you thinking with this guy? The only way I can see him being any more broken is if you gave Spell Flux splash damage, and while you at it, you may as well make it not even be his ultimate anymore.
Shaco: A stealth move, an ability that lets you automatically critical hit, and a blink? That's Shaco's FIRST ABILITY. "Surely that's the most powerful of the fiend's capabilities!" I hear you cry in dismay. Sadly no, as he can also summon anywhere from 10-15 invincible fear inducing laser turrets, and can throw blinding poison around for approximately 10000 damage a shot. "It couldn't be worse than that," you cry, "What could possibly be more broken than such a hero?" The answer is, of course, two of them.
Singed: Boy, I sure wish there was a champion where every stat was based on every other stat, who was impossible to chase without dying and was impossible to escape from because he moves and attacks faster than anyone else while making a loud, annoying high pitched whistling noise. That would just about make my life.
Sion: HEY LOOK AT ME, I'M RIOT, I THINK A CHAMPION WITH INFINITE HEALTH IS A GOOD IDEA, HURR DA DURR DURR HURR HURR.
Sivir: I'd hit it.
Soraka: Free mana on a support champion? A spammable magic resist lowering spell that hits practically the whole map? A global instant heal? Passive magic resistance for everyone on her team? Armor AND regen on one move? Riot, is there some reason you thought it'd be a good idea to make the fountain into a champion?
Taric: A fairly well balanced healer, until you realize that HE GAINS MANA FROM HITTIN' STUFF WITH THAT FREAKING HAMMER WQIWEIEWGOBKV OUV5KJONKOQVbK WTFBBQSAUCE.
Teemo: GODDAMN TEEMO MUSHROOMS, WHAT THE ****.
Tristana: While I like the ability to backdoor towers, being able to do it from halfway across the map is absurd. Not to mention the global range of her jump-ult combo, shooting people back into her fountain to be lasered to death instantly. Not to mention rapid fire making her move and attack faster than anybody else.
Tryndamere: As if the inherent imbalance with any champion built around critical hits wasn't enough, they gave him a get out of death free card AND self healing. I mean, I get he's named after the Riot president, so his design had to be powerful, but what would happen if his character was even allowed to die? He'd call the rest of the team into his office and make fun of them until their attack damage hit 0 and chickens popped out?
Twisted Fate: Because nothing is more fun than being revealed, stunned and killed from anywhere at any time, amirite?
Twitch: How the hell does a rat with a poisonous crossbow singlehandedly down an entire base? Easily, thanks to Riot. It's bad enough he has an OP stealth move that lets him move and attack faster than anyone else, but he can outrange towers with his ultimate and is practically a tank.
Veigar: "I say, why don't we create a champion with infinite ability power and five invincible walls that stun whenever they're touched?" said one Riot character designer, a bright gleam in his eye. "Capital suggestion my good fellow," came the reply, "But what shall we cite as his alleged weaknesses to pretend that we care about game balance?" "Why bother pretending anymore? Let's just make him sound like Blue the Unicorn and call it a day." And that is how we came to be "blessed" by Veigar's presence in the league.
Warwick: Honestly, a tank with passive lifesteal? And active magical lifesteal? And a move that buffs EVERYONE ON YOUR TEAM to move and attack faster than anyone else? And a passive that lets him move and attack faster than anyone else when near an enemy missing any HP? And a stun combined with 6 attacks? Could that possibly be overpowered? Nah, it's not like he can do the Thriller dance. OH WAIT.
Zilean: Time bombs are completely overpowered, how would anyone know when they should retreat from a fight if they have to wait 3 seconds to take damage? Not to mention how rewind removes all of his cooldowns. Then there's time warp, which can either basically stun an enemy or buff an ally to move and attack faster and anybody else, while using Chrono Shift to make sure they never die ever. Oh, I didn't even mention the fact that his passive will completely over level your entire team to the point of infallibility.
Clearly, Riot has made a mess of their own game with this slew of absurdly overpowered heroes. I propose they just scrap them all and let us play as minions, so we can have a fair and balanced champion selection.