Ten minutes later, Renekton and his teammates were standing at their nexus, getting ready to start the match as the League of Legends lady announcer said, "Welcome to Summoner's Rift!"
Annie was happy again, as she yelled, "YAY, TIBBERS!" And she hugged Renekton at his knees. "I LOVE YOU, TIBBERS!"
Renekton was wearing a purple dress with fake red pigtails hanging from his head, and he screamed at Xypherous, who was making sure the dress fit ok. "WHY DO I HAVE TO WEAR THIS PURPLE DRESS! WHY!"
"Today is the debut of Annie's new Reverse Annie skin, and Tibbers is supposed to be dressed like her. Now shut up and let me adjust your shoulder pads."
Renekton looked down at Annie, who was dressed in a full bear body suit. Then he looked at Cassiopeia, who was smiling wide with amusement, and he hastily explained, "I'm only wearing this to make Annie happy, Miss Cassie! it's not like I'm not gay or anything!"
"Don't worry, Renekton, that isss a very good reassson to wear a dressss, in my opinion."
His other teammates, Ashe, Alistar, and Gangplank were trying to hold back laughter. Ashe was trying to be polite about it, but Gangplank didn't give a **** as he shouted, "Arrr, you wanna know why my roger be so jolly?? Because Renekton be wearing a dress, har har har harrr!"
Renekton answered by punching Gangplank in the face, and a huge fight broke out, with gunshots and blade slashes flying all over the place...
Thirty seconds later, the League of Legends lady announcer said, "First blood! Xypherous has been slain."
"Whoa," said Phreak from his commentator's booth. "I think this is the first time a Riot employee has been killed during a League of Legends match! Oh well, let's see what our lanes are. Rivington, any thoughts on what they might be?"
"Well, I'm guessing that Blue Team will be running EU-style lanes, with an AP carry both mid and top. Annie will probably go mid, Cassiopeia top, and Alistar will be with Ashe bot. Purple team will be running more NA-style, with tanky DPS Chogath top, an AP carry mid in Karthus, and Soraka plus Ezreal bot. And of course, Gangplank and Nocturne will be jungling for their respective teams."
"Hmm, that makes sense, but.... hold on, if I'm not mistaken, Blue Team is having more in-fighting amongst themselves! Let's listen in, shall we?"
Blue Team was currently gathered around in the bushes by their blue buff, and they were arguing among themselves. Ashe was exclaiming, "Alistar, what do you mean, you're going AP? We need you to go tank!"
Alistar shook his head solemnly. "I know the way."
A bloodied and bruised Gangplank was already drinking a health potion, due to his scrap with Renekton moments earlier. "Arrr, ya stupid cow! Yer days of being a viable AP carry are over! Stop living in the past, ya hoofed landlubber!"
Alistar glowered at Gangplank. "Mess with the bull, and you get the horns!"
"Cursesss! Minions have ssspawned already." Cassiopeia started heading top. "Leash blue for GP, and everyone go to your lanesss! And Alissstar, please don't be silly!"
A bloodied and bruised Renekton stood awkwardly in his dress. "Hey, uh, where do I go?"
"Oh, Renekton, be a darling and wait at our nexusss, will you? Don't worry, when Annie hitsss level 6, she will be sssummoning you quite often."
"Ok, Miss Cassie." Renekton headed back to the nexus, wondering if the nexus's store had any Diet Cherry Coke...
All of the champions were wearing wireless headsets so that they could communicate via Ventrilo, and voice chat was extremely lively early on. Most of the chatter was from bot lane, where Ashe was getting pissed off at Alistar.
“Alistar, what are you - stop stealing my creeps, you butthead, and head butt Ezreal off of me!”
“Arrr, ya stupid limey cow, yar the support, not the carry!”
“I know the way.”
“Oh my god, I can't believe this – Alistar, your items!!”
“What is Alisssstar ssstarting with?”
“He has an amplifying tome and a health pot! Alistar, are you trolling us??”
“I love you, Tibbers!” That was Annie.
“FOR THE LAST TIME, ALISTAR, STOP COMPETING WITH ME FOR CS!”
“Mess with the bull, and you get the hands!”
“What do you mean by hands – wait, Alistar, get away from me! Why are you running at me with your hands outstretched like that WHERE ARE YOU TOUCHING ME!”
“I can't milk those?”
“THAT DOES IT, I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS ****TY TROLL ALISTAR. DIE, YOU PERVERT!”
Twenty seconds later, the League of Legends lady announcer shouted, “An ally has been slain... team kill!”
Phreak commented, “So it looks like Ashe has killed her teammate Alistar two minutes into the game. That isn't something you see everyday.”
“I've seen this before, it's a bug in the game,” Rivington said. “When a male champion molests a female teammate, she gains the ability to attack him. And she also becomes immune to Shaco's Jack in the Boxes for the rest of the match.”
“Oh, so it's another Shaco bug.” Phreak then shouted, “Uh oh, what's this? Did Alistar just rage quit??”
And indeed, big red words appeared in the sky above everyone's heads: “Alistar has left the game.”
Ashe shouted into Ventrilo, “I HATE TROLLS SOOOO MUCH! STUPID ALISTAR!” Her voice was filled with despair, “God, now what do I do?? I'm alone versus Soraka and Ezreal down here! They are going to destroy me!”
“Yarrr, I'll try to gank for ya, my lassie, but I think we got a bigger problem. We have no tank anymore, yarrr! I can try to go Atmogs, yarrr, but still, I'm not an ideal tank! Shiver me timbers, I think we are totally ****ed!”
“Oh dear, thiss iss a total dissasster! For now, Ashe, darling, pleasse try to hug turret and do not feed!”
“I'm trying my best, Cassie! Gangplank, please help me! I can't even get close to the minions anymore, Soraka and Ezreal are zoning me out!”
Listening to the frantic voice chatter, Renekton restlessly paced back and forth at the nexus, waiting for Annie to hit level 6. But then Cassiopeia's desperate cries for help filled the Ventrilo channel, and he froze, anxiously holding his breath!
“Nocturne isss on me! I need assissstance – eeek!”
Renekton shouted, “MISS CASSIE! ARE YOU ALL RIGHT! SPEAK TO ME, ARE YOU OK??”
“I'm... I'm ok for now, but I had to use my flash... I'm going back to basse....”
Ashe groaned, “4v5 is so stupid – **** it, I just had to use my flash, too... going back to base...”
Cassiopeia and Ashe appeared back at base, badly bloodied and bruised. And Renekton rushed to Cassiopeia's side with a first aid kit in his hands. “Miss Cassie! God ****, I am so glad you are ok! ****ing Nocturne, I hate that piece of **** ******, I'll rip his head off! And Chogath, he ain't so big! I'll ****ing crush him into a voidling pancake with my two fists!”
Cassiopeia smiled sadly. “Thank you for your concern, Renekton, but I fear that thiss match iss already losst.”
Ashe was also despondent, as she gloomily hung her head. “Yeah, I don't see how we can win this one. Winning 4v5 is just too much to ask...”
The room became silent, as Renekton's heart burned in painful agony. He could not bear to see Miss Cassiopeia so unhappy! Her smile was the most beautiful thing in the whole wide world, and sadness on her face was so unbecoming! If only he could do something about this... but wait, maybe he could!
Renekton then threw aside his empty can of Diet Cherry Coke and yelled, “No, Queen Ashe, you are wrong! It is not 4v5! I am here, and I will make it 5v5!”
Ashe and Cassiopeia looked at each other in confusion. “Well, that's true, but...” Ashe wondered out loud. “Will a Riot employee allow us to change champions mid game?”
Xypherous's weak voice floated up from the ground: “Yes... I will... allow it...”
“Xypherous!” Renekton dropped onto his knees by the fallen champion designer and held his bloodied trembling hands. “You're still alive!”
“Not for... much longer, but... Renekton... I want to tell you something... before I go... respawn in heaven...”
“What is it!”
“I know you think.... you are underpowered... and you are never... used in tournaments... but you have always been.... my favorite champion design... cough cough!”
Renekton's bloodshot eyes were welling up in tears, as Xypherous's voice became weaker and weaker. “Renekton... in my fanny pack... there is a box labeled 'For Renekton'... it is for you...”
The croc man quickly opened the fanny pack to find a small gift-wrapped box. “What is this!”
“Inside is... the secret... to your strength... it is... my final gift to you...” Xypherous let out one last cough. “Farewell...”
Xypherous's head slumped to the side, and Renekton bowed his head in a moment of silence. Then he jumped up in joy and yelled as he held the box above his head, “Oh boy, I got a power up! Look, guys, I got a power up, this is so exciting!”
Cassiopeia and Ashe were also excited, mostly because Renekton was now officially the fifth member of their team. Cassiopeia said, “Quickly, Renekton, open it! We have not a moment to wassste!”
Renekton ripped open the box to pull out a little beauty mirror. And he yelled in confusion as he stared at his reflection, “What the hell is this! It's just a ****ing mirror! Don't tell me I just got trolled by a ****ing dead man!”
Ashe said, “Renekton, I don't think he was trolling you. I think Xypherous meant that you have always had the strength inside you. You just need to believe in yourself.”
“Oh, I get it. It's like that one secret scroll from the movie Kung Fu Panda.” Renekton threw the mirror aside. “No! **** that! I am never used in tournaments! I am underpowered and I need buffs! Nobody believes in me, why should I believe in myself!”
Cassiopeia placed a hand on his trembling shoulder. “You are wrong, Renekton. I believe in you.”
“Yes.” Ashe solemnly nodded, as she placed a hand on his other shoulder. “As do I. You can do this, Renekton.”
Now that he was being touched by two hot chicks, Renekton felt a little better about himself. “Ok, I'll try my best. I won't let you down!”
Gangplank's voice crackled over Ventrilo, “Good to hear, ya scaly varmint! I'll give ya my Wriggle's so you can become tha jungler, and I'll rotate to bot lane as support for Ashe! Yarr, support GP, new meta!”
“Tibbers is the strongest and the bestest! I believe in you, Tibbers!”
Renekton's eyes started tearing up a bit at the support from his teammates. “Thanks guys!”
The League of Legends lady announcer said, “Renekton has entered the game!”, and Phreak shouted, “What's this! Renekton has replaced Alistar as the fifth member of blue team! This is unprecedented, I'm so excited, I can't wait to see what happens!”
Rivington said, “Indeed, but I'm afraid this still doesn't solve blue team's problem. They still don't have a true tank. They have great initiation with Ashe's Arrow and Annie's Tibbers, er, Renekton, er, Tibbers... but still, Blue Team was counting on Alistar to be that tank who can go in there, soak up damage, and save his squishies. And Renekton, although he is good at soaking up damage, he has only one single-target stun on a high cooldown, and that just won't cut it when you're trying to stop a diving Nocturne, Karthus, and Cho Gath from getting to your squishies.”
“Oh, so true, so true, and with GP now in a support role, it will be impossible for him to farm up an Atmogs, so Renekton will be the only one with significant HP items... it will be very interesting to see how Renekton deals with this problem...”
Jungling Renekton was thinking the same exact thing while he beat the **** out of Red Lizard for its buff. “**** it, I can't let anyone harm Miss Cassie! Those turds Nocturne, Cho Gath, and Karthus will definitely be diving her and silencing her and fearing her and trying to kill her first! How can I stop all of them at the same time! ****, I need more CC! What do!”
Several minutes later, Phreak was checking in on Renekton, who was back at his nexus, browsing through the store's goods. “Looks like Renekton is about to make his next purchase! Let's take a look at his current items, shall we! Tier 1 boots, Wriggle's, and a Giant's Belt. Looks like he's rushing that usual Warmogs, isn't he?”
“It sure looks like it,” Rivington agreed. “He has over 1k gold to spend, so I expect he'll be buying a health crystal and regrowth pendant, but... you know, Phreak, he's just been standing there for the past half minute, doing nothing but stare at the store's items...”
“Hmm. Good point.” Phreak frowned as he stared at Renekton's inventory again. “Perhaps he is wondering if he should go Frozen Mallet instead?”
Meanwhile, Renekton was holding his head in dismay, as he thought to himself, “I could go Frozen Mallet, but still, it's not AOE CC! It's still single target! Son of a *****!” He then had an idea. “Wait, Nocturne and Cho Gath are both melee! And it's Tiamat Tuesday! Does Tiamat's AOE proc on-hit effects?” He quickly read the tooltip, and then cursed, “****! No, it doesn't! God **** it, I bought this stupid Giant's Belt out of habit, but now what do I do with this **** thing!”
And then suddenly, it was all clear to Renekton what he must buy. And he became at peace with himself, as he prepared to make his official transition from tanky DPS to full-fledged tank...
Rivington watched Renekton make his purchase, and he exclaimed, “A blasting wand! Phreak, did Renekton just buy a blasting wand, or is it a graphical glitch on my end?”
Phreak was also confused. “I don't think it's a glitch, I also see the blasting wand on my screen.” He suddenly gasped loudly as he placed a hand over my mouth. “Oh my god, he's going Rylai's! Renekton is going Rylai's, Rivington, I can't believe this, I'm so excited!”
“Rylai's Scepter! But that's an AP item, and Renekton's damage absolutely does not scale off AP, if I recall correctly, other than a miniscule ratio on his ultimate.”
“Yes, yes, but oh my god, I know what he's thinking! This could work, it can definitely work! Champions get Rylai's for its slow effect on spell casts, and Renekton is definitely an AD caster with massive AOE presence! With his ultimate, his Q, and his E, enemies around him will be slowed down to a crawl, and it will make it so hard for the entire enemy team to get to his squishies! Wait, it looks like blue team just got bottom tower, that's 150 gold, so Renekton can now afford to finish his Rylai's – oh my god, blue team is trying to get back to their tower, but purple team is converging on them! They've cut them off, they can't get back – Gangplank got caught! He ate an orange to get rid of Nocturne's fear, but now he's in Karthus's wall, and he is going down fast, this is looking bad for blue team - wait, here comes Annie from mid! And her ult is up, oh my god this will be close, can she save them??”
Annie screamed as she thrust a finger forward at the writhing dogpile of enemy minions and enemy champions currently beating up her teammates: “GO GET THEM, TIBBERS!”
Renekton dropped down from the sky and landed onto the dogpile, as he turned on his ultimate and roared, “HRRRGNRBBRLLT!”
He was belching bloody red flame and fury out of his jaws and armpits, his purple dress and red pigtails billowing in terrible gusts of howling wind. And he bellowed with his bloodshot eyes bleeding angry tears and his fury bar as bright as the burning sun: “GET OFF MY WOMAN, OR DIE!”
Spurred onwards by a strength he did not know he possessed, he waded into the dogpile and started to throw purple caster minions aside left and right until he found the enemy champions. “GET OFF HER, YOU ****ERS, I'LL SKIN YOU ALIVE AND EAT YOUR HEARTS AND PISS INTO YOUR CHEST CAVITIES AFTERWARDS!”
Nocturne, Karthus, and Ezreal had never seen Renekton so angry before, and it terrified the bejeezus out of them. Karthus was the first one to die, getting his head chopped off instantly by Renekton's W. Ghost-form Karthus tried to spam his Q and E while Renekton stood next to him, but Renekton didn't give a **** that he was standing inside Karthus's circle, as he then grabbed Ezreal and broke his arms and punted him across the river.
Nocturne would have wet his pants by now if he had pants (or legs, for that matter), and he tried to flee, but he was slowed by Renekton's Rylai-enhanced ultimate, and Renekton turned around to grab Nocturne by the neck and punch him repeatedly in the liver.
“NEVER DIVE ON MY WOMAN AGAIN, YOU LITTLE PISS ANT! I WILL BE THE ONE TO DIVE ON HER, NOT YOU. HURR HURR, I WANT TO DIVE ON HER SO BAD! WAIT, I'M THINKING OUT LOUD NOW, AREN'T I?”
Renekton then broke Nocturne's back into several pieces and tossed him aside, and he started to pull away more purple caster minions from the dogpile. “Miss Cassie, are you all right! I beat up the bad guys, it's okay now! Speak to me, Miss Cassie, talk to me!”
He threw aside the last purple caster minion, and he frowned in confusion to find a battered and bloody Ashe curled up in a defensive ball that would have made Rammus proud. “What? Where's Miss Cassie! Oh my god, did she get killed already!”
Ashe unshielded her face to look up at him. “What are you talking about! It was me and Gangplank who got the tower, not her! Pay attention to the mini map, you noob!”
“Oh.” Renekton stood awkwardly as the flames around his purple dress died away. “Whoops.”
“Tibbers, you beat them up good! You're the best!” Annie jumped onto Renekton's back and hugged him around the neck. “I love you, Tibbers!”
Renekton helped Ashe to her feet. “Well, uh, good job then, Ashe.”
“Thank you.” Ashe gingerly felt her ribs to make sure nothing was broken. “And thank you, Renekton, for saving me.” She started to blush a little bit now. “I have to admit, I've never had a tank peel enemies off me with such... such passion.”
“Yeah, well, no problem! We needed a tank today, right, so I'm gonna tank!”
Cassiopeia then slithered in. “Sssorry, everyone, I'm late, I wasss getting blue buff, and wait, isss it already over?”
Ashe and Annie frowned at the tardy snake lady, but Renekton grinned and said, “It's ok, Miss Cassie, everything's fine! We won the team fight, and we are way ahead in gold now!”
“Oh, that isss ssso wonderful to hear!” Cassiopeia purred as she noticed the Rylai's Scepter which Renekton was holding in his left hand. “Oooh, you got a Rylai's, Renekton! How intriguing!”
“Hyuk hyuk, yeah, I thought it would be a good idea, you know, AOE slow all day, and stuff, hyuk hyuk!”
Several minutes later, there was another huge team fight at Baron this time, and Phreak was screaming his lungs out as sweat poured down his red face. “Oh my god, they're gonna fight, and it's a great arrow from Ashe! Karthus is stunned, everyone else around him is slowed! Gangplank has dropped his ult, and Annie flashed in with Tibbernekton – oh my god, Ezreal and Nocturne flashed out of Tibbernekton, but now Noc is ulting back in onto Cassiopeia! Cho Gath is still not going down, and he's flashing onto Ashe to combo her oh my god Cassiopeia flashed away, but Ashe is silenced and trying her best to kite, and Nocturne and Cho Gath are pursuing, but WAIT, Renekton used his E to catch up to them, and he is standing next to them with his ultimate on and beating their faces in!! They can't catch Ashe or Cass, they're being slowed, Soraka silenced Renekton, but it doesn't matter, his ultimate is already on, it's slowing everything in sight! And Ezreal is firing skillshots like crazy at Cass, but Renekton is in the way, and now Nocturne is dead! Cho Gath is going down, he's dead! Soraka flashes away from Gangplank, Karthus is dead, Ezreal blinks away with 100 hit points, he and Soraka are going back to base, blue team wins the fight in emphatic fashion, Rylais Renekton is working, folks, it's working, purple team burned their flashes and everything to get to Ashe and Cassiopeia, but they simply could not catch them, I can't believe this, Rylais Renekton is so freaking awesome, this is the true power of love, ladies and gentleman!!!”
Phreak was crying now, he was so overcome with emotion. Then he collapsed due to a stroke, and for a moment, shoutcasting was put on hold. Then Zenon came in to replace him, and he introduced himself, “Hi, I'm a European guy named Zenon, I am in love with Shushei, and Fnatic is the best team in the world. Back to you, Rivington!”
Rivington replied, “Err, ok. Well, it looks that Baron fight will be the last one for the day, as the surrender votes are coming in! Purple team has surrendered, Blue team has won, and Nocturne is typing something into all chat.”
Zenon read out loud for the viewers' benefit. “Nocturne is typing 'Rylais Renekton OP, nerf plz'. Hah! Well, I must say, Renekton with Rylais and Frozen Mallet proved to be surprisingly effective, but let me tell you, I've seen Shushei's Gragas with Ryali's and Rabadon's, and it is simply incredible...”
Meanwhile, back at blue team's base, the victorious champions were celebrating with a toast, each person holding up a big mug of Gangplank's favorite rum. Except for Annie. Because she was underage, she had chocolate milk instead.
Gangplank shouted, “Howrr about a toast to our frrriendly reptilian rager, Renekton! We couldn't have done it without yar tanking, me lad!”
“Yesss, to Renekton!” Cassiopeia threw a flirty smile at him. “You were sssuch a man out there today, it was very impressssive.”
Ashe was also smiling. “I agree, I've never seen anyone embrace tanking with such fervor and zeal before! You were wonderful, Renekton!”
“I knew Tibbers could do it! Tibbers can do anything, because he's the best! I love you, Tibbers!”
“Hyuk hyuk, thanks guys.” With a goofy grin, Renekton picked up the mirror he had thrown away earlier. “You were right, Xypherous, thank you! I've had it in me all along! I believe in myself now! I am top tier!”