Hi, I’m a support. And I’m way more of a badass than you.
All you other champs run around the map, chasing each other and fighting for kills, beating on innocent jungle camps, killing off autonomous creeps. It's a PvP game, and you're all worried about killing the computer-controlled minions. How petty. I feel sorry for you.
Me, I’m just sitting here in the bush at bot lane, checking out Sivir’s boobs. How’s that sausage fest up top going for you?
These creep waves down here, they belong to me. Every single minion, blue or purple—they’re mine. I graciously allow my carry to get our kills because I have better things to do than last hitting. Like sitting in this bush looking at Caitlyn’s rack and shredding on my harp. Last hitting is for chumps. I allow the enemy carry to get an occasional creep, too. But not because I’m being nice, and not because I’m afraid of that big gun or crossbow.
When I stop waiting, you will know it. It will hurt. Maybe I’ll be gentle and just throw a banana at your face. Or maybe I’ll call the power of the sun—yes, the mother****in sun—down on your ass and make you my ***** for the next 10 seconds. Look at the bright side, though. You can spend all that respawning time looking at all the stuff in the shop you can’t afford.
So please, go ahead and get all the cs you want. It won’t help you when you’re hurtling through the air, or getting yanked back into the welcoming arms of our turret. Or turned into a squirrel.
What sad creatures all of you are, running around desperate for gold. It must be awful living a life dependent on items to be useful. I have no such handicaps. I'm just chilling in this bush like a boss, staring at Ezreal's boobs.
Oh, P.S. You know that sexy carry running around in my lane? Yeah, don’t even bother trying to kill her. Just a waste of time. I’ll be hitting that later, and I don’t like my Ashes and Miss Fortunes (or Graves; whatever. he has great facial hair) all bruised and bloodied before I get to them. Junglers, just go join the circlejerk in midlane. I’m just going to headbutt you halfway across summoner’s rift or dazzle you with my radiant, gemmy beauty if you come down here.
No one will thank me for saving them, but that's fine. I don't need the gratitude of weaklings.
What’s that? You’re going to 4-man tower dive us? Great! I love a nice party, and it will be so wonderful laughing over all the corpses scattered around. The only thing I enjoy more is punching a ward to death with Oracles. WHAM, BAM, POW. Thanks for the 25 gold, suckers. Not that I need it. I give all my money to orphans. Yeah, think about that next time you buy a triforce. Jerk.
At the end of the game, when my team goes 42/0, they’ll all pat each other’s backs and marvel at each other’s big important numbers. Unlike them, I don’t have anything to compensate for. I don’t need constant reinforcement to know that I’m a badass. I’ll just take my 42 assists and the knowledge that I was the real backbone of my team.
I have /laugh bound to both mouse buttons. Come at me.
TLDR: Nope, **** you. I bet you're some sad illiterate top laner. Read the post.