Originally Posted by Kassadin, the Cake Walker
There is a place between dimensions and between worlds. To some it is known as the Outside, to others it is the Unknown. To most, however, it is called the Void. Despite its name, the Void is not an empty place, but rather -
“AAUUUGH” For what seemed like the billionth time that day Malzahar threw down his stylus and spun around to face the knee-high monstrosity waiting expectantly behind him. He couldn’t even write a cult sermon without the thing’s stomach growling as if he hadn’t fed it since the last mass sacrifice. “I KNOW, THAT’S ALL YOU EVER SAY”
Malzahar raised his palm to his forehead and held it, wondering if he might go as insane as people said he was. His other voidlings were so much better behaved – except for that time when the Chronokeeper decided that the otherwordly spawn of the Void were good at making deliveries -
The Prophet shook his head. There was no need to remember that, surely his voidlings were smart enough not to bring him live explosives again. At the Seer’s feet, Kog’Maw was noisily trying to distract himself. At least, that’s what it looked like, unless he actually wanted to eat his tail.
Malzahar sighed. Well, watching the Mouth of the Abyss was a full time job, but it was still better than trying to talk to some of the “Champions” he’d met. None of them understood – how much sacrifice he had to supply, how short time was, how second sight was so much more reliable than first sight - except for that nosy, stubborn Kassadin.
Wait – Kassadin! That was it! Kog’Maw needed to eat something, and Malzahar needed to show Kassadin the power of the Void! Perfect!
“Alright, Kog’Maw – Kog’Maw – Kog, sit, look at me – you’re hungry, right?”
Kog’Maw opened his mouth and let his tongue hang out, dripping bile that smoldered menacingly on the stone floor.
“Don’t stick your tongue out at me, I know a hungry Kog’Maw when I see one. Do you know who has food for you?”
At this, Kog’Maw perked up, his head crests straightening as if he wanted to grow a hairdo like Heimerdinger’s. “FOOD!” He panted eagerly, drooling more acid on the floor. Malzahar was glad he was floating.
“Alright boy, Kassadin’s waiting for you –“ and Kog’Maw took off as fast as he could, waddling along like a worm with legs. Malzahar chuckled and turned back to his sermon. The Mouth of the Abyss was Kassadin’s problem now.
Kassadin backed up as far as he could, shaking his fist in defiance. “Your magic is powerless against me!”
The Fallen Angel crossed her arms over her chest, an expression of boredom on her face. “Well, then step aside, there’s a line, you know.”
He lowered his fist and looked behind him. It was true, there was a line of customers waiting to order from the proprietor of Sinful Succulence. Right after him was the Artisan of War, carrying a long baguette and a cheese wheel. Pantheon raised the cheese wheel defensively as Kassadin looked at him.
Kassadin turned back towards the baker. “I did not seek out your shop just to leave empty handed, Morgana, but your prices are … unbalanced. Even your enchantments cannot make pastries worth-”
Morgana had had enough. She slammed her oven mitted hands on the counter and shouted, “Do not argue with me! You too will pay my price! NEXT!” With that, Pantheon strode past Kassadin and boldly announced his arrival. “Hear my words, and know that I wish to purchase this bread and cheese!”
Brushed aside, Kassadin sighed and walked towards the door. If he was leaving without his cake, it was because he knew it was beneath him. He had only come because Caitlyn had recommended he try Morgana’s cooking. Something about her cupcakes being irresistible.
As he passed the end of the line, he spotted something outside approaching from the distance. At first, he thought it was just a small customer, hurrying towards the bakery, but soon he could tell that no human or yordle looked like that.
Kog’Maw. Why was that abomination coming here? The bakery was stocked with plenty of food – expensive food – but the Mouth of the Abyss didn’t care what it was eating. There was no reason for it to seek out Sinful Succulence when everything was food.
At this point, the other customers noticed the armored Champion staring. They turned to see what had attracted his attention and spotted the incoming mystery.
“What is that thing?” “” “It’s just a dog.” “It’s a golem!” “It’s Kog’Maw!”
Suddenly, the crowd of customers panicked. Kassadin thought, no one minded when Kog’Maw spat all over champions on Summoner’s Rift, but as soon as he showed up looking for food in person, it was the end of the world.
There was a trumpeting sound – Kog’Maw’s cavalry charge. If it was possible, the crowd screamed louder and ran faster. The line’s disappearance would have been convenient, if Kassadin was still thinking about buying cake.
“Well?” The only other people who remained were the ones who had faced Kog’Maw before – Pantheon and Morgana. “What are you waiting for? Onward!”
The Artisan of War boldly dashed forwards. Kog’Maw launched his repulsive goo at Pantheon, who easily blocked it with his cheese wheel. With a fearless battle cry, the Rakkorian leapt towards the monster, bringing down the cheese on its head –
Except the digestive slime acted with unholy speed. The cheese liquefied before it hit Kog’Maw, who turned his head upwards and noisily swallowed the cheesy mess.
Confused, Pantheon stepped backwards and shook his head. “What?” He recovered quickly and thrust out his baguette like a makeshift spear –
Kog’Maw clamped onto the end of it, gnawing hungrily. Pantheon hastily let go of the bread.
Morgana called out, “If you’re done FEEDING him, maybe you’d like to FIGHT him instead?” The response came back, “Do not insult me, I was fighting him! He thrives on a diet of war! I’m out of here!” With a quick jump, Pantheon mandropped far away to safety. Kog’Maw reached down with his stubby arms and picked up the dropped baguette, gurgling happily as he chomped on it.
An idea slowly dawned on Kassadin as he watched Kog’Maw eat. It had always been the problem - the Mouth wouldn’t stop eating … until he was full.
Kassadin quickly turned and glided back towards the baker. Morgana gave him an exasperated look. “Oh, don’t tell me you’re scared too? Aren’t you supposed to be the Void –“
“Now is not the time, Fallen Angel! We must stop this monstrosity!”
Morgana blinked and asked, “So, aren’t you going to turn around and fight him?”
Kassadin seemed taken aback. “Oh, well … you remember what happens after he dies, right? I wouldn’t want that to happen in your shop.”
The baker’s eyes widened. “Oh, that’s right. But we can’t just let him come in here, he’ll eat everything! Do something!”
The Void Walker “There’s … one thing we can do. We can feed him … just enough to make him stop.”
“And how do we do that?”
“I have seen … among the scant breadcrumbs … ” Kassadin slowly turned towards Morgana. She could see a hollow, forsaken look in the eye lights of his mask, and her heart chilled to think what could cause such desperation in him. “There are things … man was not meant to bake…”
[center]1 Omnomnomicon recipe later[/center]
Kassadin was right. They should never have baked such a thing. It violated … all kitchen ethics, even her relaxed standards. Its existence was blasphemy against the very idea of food itself. But it had been done, and now all they could do was hope it had been worth the cost.
When Malzahar finished writing his sermon, he realized he had no idea where Kog’Maw was. He wouldn’t mind, except Kog’Maw had his uses, like eating anyone who annoyed him.
Malzahar figured if he could find Kassadin, Kog’Maw would be there too. Luckily, he didn’t have to ask where that fool was, because the streets were full of people fleeing in terror. All he had to do was go against the flow.
Soon enough, Malzahar left the craven fools behind. Kog’Maw was nothing to hide from … the Prophet scanned the streets and spotted the creature of the Void nibbling away on the landscape by a certain shop.
Malzahar floated over. “There you are. I told you to go find Kassadin, not chew on the scenery …”
Kog’Maw looked up and saw his master. He let go of the street sign – it sagged slightly, melting from the beast’s spittle – and excitedly ran towards Malzahar. The Prophet hesitated, but Kog’Maw wasn’t glowing purple. “Dessert coming … cake coming!”
That didn’t make any sense. “… What?” Malzahar looked around and saw the sign: Sinful Succulence. Oh no. “No, Kog, you can’t eat cake from here!”
The larva’s ridges drooped. “No cake?”
“The cake is a lie!”
“Cake will be served.”
That voice filter! The Prophet quickly turned towards the sound and saw the Void Walker – but instead of the tension he expected, Kassadin’s appearance almost caused Malzahar to laugh out loud. The armored champion’s outfit was even more outlandish than usual. On top of his robes he wore a lacy apron, clearly borrowed from Morgana. His spiky armor was splattered with frosting and ingredients from whatever confection he’d cooked up. Jammed over one horn of his already ridiculous helmet was a white chef’s hat.
And in his hands was a mountainous, delicious-looking, expertly baked cake.
Beneath his mask, Malzahar’s mouth dropped open. Unwatched, Kog’Maw left his side, scampered towards the Void Walker. “Cake!”
“As you wish.” Kassadin activated his nether blade and … plunged it into the cake, scooping some free. As Kog’Maw approached, Kassadin held out the cake enticingly.
“Try some of this!”