It'd be great to get some feedback. Keep in mind this is my first ever posted Fan-Fic, so try and be nice. I've been wanting to do something like this for awhile and I recently found my love Viktor so I figured why not him? ANYWAYS here ya go.

Viktor Battle Log: Volume 1
After a long arduous battle today in the Fields of justice over, of course, some mundane task that is important to the rest of these evolutionary degenerates. In this log I will attempt to find out the major weaknesses against what the League of Legends has to offer.
In this game my “allies” consisted of that eternally sad mummy thing Amumu, the one girl with the broken sword…she always complains about not having a warranty on the ****ed thing, Ah Yes Riven, the mystical dino-ADENDUM- Starchild Soraka, and the young blonde explorer Ezreal.
Our opponents consisted of the ever enraged Tryndamere, although after listening to a rant by the charismatic Renekton I don’t see what he could be angry about, Sivir who somehow has an unlimited amount of those three bladed throwing stars –NOTE TO SELF: Discuss with Sivir about her theories on portable black hole storage devices- Zilean more of an annoyance than most anything else although it puzzles me on how he is constantly slipping those bombs into my pockets, the latest addition to the League Ziggs, [I don’t know who is in charge of the judgment of who is allowed into the League of Legends now a days, but this latest addition has me concerned over whether any future champions will actually be of adequate skill to properly test my devices, although I suppose one cannot blame the champion as much as their Summoner…], and due to what I’m assuming is some sort of paradox caused by the Chronokeeper’s presence there was yet another Riven on their team.
Now both team compositions were very interesting, but I was not concerned with their team that much due to the extreme amount of physical damage their team had and how they would have to get past my team to even think of harming me.
Next I will attempt to find out where my inventions prevailed and where they fell short of complete destruction of the opposing champions.

[Possible Improvement Log|---Passcode: XXX42XX5X0]
1. As Ziggs attempted to toss one of his primitive explosives to me I quickly dodged to the left and targeted him with my Death Ray dealing a significant amount of damage (I would like the Death Ray to simply saw my enemies in half but the power requirements are beyond me for now). After a direct hit he began to flee, seizing the opportunity for attack I ran next to him and laid my Gravity Field down in front of him, and immediately hit him with a Power Transfer, after the gravity field died out he thought he could flee with the miniscule amount of health he had left, but in a final gesture of disdain for his pitiful existence I unleashed a Chaotic Storm on top of him. The amount of energy outright killed him causing him to have to return to their Nexus for revive, as well as some severe burning. I walked back triumphantly to my turret and returned to my own Nexus for some new items to assist in the fight.
2. Later in the middle lane Ziggs was attempting to try and do damage to me with his pitiful Bouncing Bombs, luckily though they are easy enough to dodge. My Summoner alerted me to the presence of our teams Riven coming down River most likely to assist in killing this evolutionary short fall. As she lunged from out of the bush I flashed forward and opened up a gravity field where he was attempting to retreat. (Consider a slight increase to the range at which I can power Gravity Field effectively, as if now it is mainly a defensive mechanism). As he was stunned I let forth both Death Ray and Power Transfer. As the power transfer found its target the Death Ray was not far behind it and it found Zigg’s explosive backpack. Even I could not help but feel amused at the sight of his small yordle corpse flying around aimlessly. After Riven and I shared a moment of schadenfreude we both proceeded to mop up the minion wave and take their turret.
3. In the end their physical damage was completely overwhelming to my team and we lost after our Summoners opted to surrender. Alas I am not here seeking viktory (Heh heh), but rather I am here seeking to make my augmentations the ultimate power across the land. Soon enough this world will succumb– Rest of rant edited out (I’m starting to sound like that affable pip-squeak Veigar)

[Definite Improvements|---Passcode Required…]
End Log…

nice!

Fragment. Consider revising.

This was all I saw other than the part I saw next...

You have good use of description vocabulary, yet you cannot describe actions accordingly. During fights, you have to add 'consisted' and 'attempt' to get out what you are trying to say. Imo, it looks like you are just throwing in complex words to make your writing sound good throughout. Reread the battle scenes, take out every 'consist' and 'attempt' word, and replace it with a more advanced word, mostly to prove you are capable of it.


These two parts do not correlate well. Viktor has no concern whatsoever and during the battle he owns and gets fed, yet his team loses because of the physical damage?

Limit your usage of putting 'as' in sentences. Try to spread them out for a better flow of sentence structure.

***

Overall, your works can truly wow the audience if you spend more time editing after you get the basic idea down. Keep at it!

Thank you very much for your words; I kinda wrote this in about an half an hour last night after a very miserable game which ended in a defeat despite my being fed. This is really just a narrative account of my games, and I plan on making more of them and I will definitely proof read much more! Thanks again for the constructive criticism.

You said "schadenfreude", but I always thought Viktor sounded a bit more Russian. Just my opinion.

Well I was kind of using it as a general term; next time I will have to do research and figure out whatever the Russian term is for taking pleasure in somebody else's pain.