The match had been under way for a short while now, with Veigar mid, Blitzcrank & Cho'Gath going top, Draven, and finally Kassadin sitting in a bot bush minion farming. As the team, doing well but not quite overpowering their purple-marked opposites, hit a uniform level 6, Kassadin started to recall.
"Just a second! Don't ult 'til I give the signal! I have a plan, and it's gonna take a metric ****tonne of mana!"
At this announcement, Draven's moustache reportedly drooped, slightly in confusion, slightly in disappointment, as a relieved, badly hurt Karthus limped back behind his tower to retreat.
Meanwhile, Kassadin sat at the circle, purchasing "as much mana as he could afford, and maybe a little more. I DID feel something rummaging 'round mah rucksack while I was watchin' Draven juggle on the teevee, or sumthin', but I keep tha' durn thing locked, so..."
...according to Shopkeep Doran.
According to the perp, now in custody, "I mean, the match wasn't TOO important, and I MAY have made a few '3rd party investments' beforehand, and... C'mon! I returned it afterwards..."
And now to event footage:
"All right! Here's the plan: On 3, ult the voidhole. (No, that is NOT ''slang for my purple arse.'') One... Two... THREE!"
As the murderously sharp,speedy axes skipped into the void after the voidknight, the portal closed, and all went silent. Until...
"An enemy has been slain!"
"An enemy has been slain!" (DOUBLEKILL!)
"An enemy has been slain!" (TRIPLE KILL!!)
Apparently Kassadin had been using a portal network (alongside the decidedly lax nature of void physics regarding things like 'speed' and 'direction') to pinball the twin axes around the Rift, killing absolutely everything!
"An enemy has been slain!" (QUADRA KILL!!!)
"Now, as I understand it, Karthus, this last kill was particularly embarrassing?"
"Now, Steve, the footage?"
Karthus had just reached the fountain, and was just about to start gluing his femur back together, when...
"OH, yeah, that is DEFINITELY a duct-tape jo-what the hell... OH****SHI-"
"An enemy has been slain!" (PEEENNTAAAKIILLLL!!!!!)
"And what about later in the match, Kass? The infamous ASDFincident?"
Later, about 20 min. in, a teamfight was brewing in mid. Everyone was present (albeit not in very good condition) ...except Kassadin.
"It's a suicide rush without him..." Cho said, dejected & preparing for the gruesome error that was not about to befall him.
For, you see, as it started, a huge rift began to form behind Blue Team.
"...the hell?" at least 3 people said.
"What in tarnation..." at least one misplaced cowboy was reported as saying.
"Is that... music!?" Cho shouted.
"Catchy." Draven blurted out.
And all of a sudden, the rift in reality erupted.
"I LIKE TRAINS!!!!" screamed Kassadin, now obviously insane, straddling the front of the locomotive.
"BWWAARRRRRRR" the train roared, as it ran over everyone on Purple.
"ACE!" groaned the announcer, now obviously orgasming mid battle.
"...DAFUQ?" as was murmured by the victorious survivors.
"So that was obviously illegal, eh, K-man?
And, what's this, a "Disappearing Nexus?"
"Oh, yeah. Well, y'see, I was kinda drunk, and..."
When Swain came to, it was all he could do not to fall dead again.
Because something was missing.
Something that, according to his minimap, should NOT have been in Blue base, being lasered by the Fountain Tower.
"WHAT THE FLYING FUC-"
"Well, THAT was impressive. Honestly, I'm amazed you managed. Well, see you after the break! Guards!"
NUMBER #1337: Riftwalk gates may not be used for smuggling, or any other purpose than minor magic damage in accordance with the Riftwalk Algorithm/personal teleportation.