So, I was very apprehensive about starting ranked because of this so-called Elo Hell that I've heard oh so much about. But after becoming fairly decent at every role (specialising in mid) and accrueing a decent selection of champs and runes, I believed to be ready to face the perils that awaited me in ranked.

Well... by perils I did not imagine this to be an afker nearly every single game and people with no idea about meta or gameplay (this included bright minds believing Tryndamere to be an ADC and refusing to believe otherwise).

I don't understand how you're meant to overcome this initial dose of bull**** players to make it to the next tier. Albeit I've only played about 5 games so far but from what I've seen I'm almost terrified at continuing for fear I will have to be paired with these scrubs for the rest of my days.

Did the pros like Dyrus etc. crank it up so high because they were all beta players who managed to be paired with roughly equally skilled partners most of the way through, or do you just have to pray for a lucky streak where you get 10 or so games in a row where people are on your level (aka not retarded or afk) and you can squeeze your way out of the lower brackets?

You play. If you're better than the elo you're in, slowly but surely you'll climb.

If you watch a pro player play in your bracket, it becomes pretty apparent why they're pro. Even with afk players or feeders, they get extremely fed and carry the game through good calls, positioning, etc.

That only works because people listen to them. If no one on your team listens to you (even if you're the only fed person or only one who hasn't died) they just swear at you with jabs like 'STFU! DON'T TELL ME HOW TO PLAY, NOOB'

I realise I'm just poking holes now but that's the reality of the situation. I guess my only hope is consistently play until I'm lucky enough to not be paired with feeders.

You've played all of 5 ranked games. You have no idea. Like Omnicron said, if you're better, you will eventually go up. Sometimes the afk's will be on the other team. Sometimes the random 2k smurf will be on your team instead. You'll have good and bad luck streaks, but eventually it should all even out.