Smoke: The Fog of War

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Quote: Pictures: Quote: Lore: Quote: A great fog fell upon the League of Legends shrouding it in a midnight black smoke, and a blood red aura. The horrid hues of the dense cloud covered the world in darkness and dismay. From the decay a figure emerged and he donned a name that fit his creation - Smoke: The Fog of War. He remembered little from his childhood, but what he did was imprinted and encarved by the hellish scars buried deep into his torso - gashes and wounds suffered at the center of the Void. His dark red eyes burned with fires of anger yet were also tormented with regret. Now and again he found a single tear would form at the corner of his eye for some unknown reason. His last memory of his childhood was the day he was sent into the void carried by the dying ashes of his mother - the last pyro-pheonix. The image of his father was faint, he only saw a great warrior fighting to withstand a wretched atrocity as it devoured the forces in front of it. Smoke could not recall what the terror was, but he knew that whatever it was seemed worse than his time in the void. Memories now, fading and silent, but still they haunted him as he walked along the hillside that lead to the Institute of War. His time had come, he was about to join the champions on the fields of Justice and fight the terrors of this world, with luck he would one day cross paths with the terror that inevitably killed his father. "Among the Void there are numerous terrors, but the greatest of all is the one I remember before I even entered it." Smoke By: Moby the White A Great fog fell upon the League; midnight black smoke, and a blood red aura Clouded the whole world in darkness and dismay. Smoke: The Fog of War is now among us... When he was just born his mother a phoenix and his father a voidborn plotted to help the child escape until when he was older could rule this world. His father opened a rift to the void and his mother took him to the other side. His father died while fighting off those who were frightened by the monstrosity they just created. (Just a sample of what I will be righting a teaser if you will let me know if you like where that story would be going.)

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Abilities: Quote: Passive: Fog Manipulator All champions on Ally team now see Threw the fog of war 60 range greater, All enemy champions now see 60 range less Quote: Q: Healing Mist/Tear Gas: Cooldown: 16/15/14/13/12 Quote: Healing Mist: Cost: 60 Grants a heal on an allied target for 60/110/160/210/260 +(.5 per ap), while allied target is in the designated radius (small circle like graves) Smoke can't be targeted for .50/ .75/ 1 /1.25/ 1.5 sec "Aoe's still effect him" Quote: Tear Gas: Cost 60 Throws an aoe at the enemy making them unable to target enemies while in the aoe (lasts 4 sec) also applies a dot for 5 /10 /15 /20/ 25 +(.5 per ap) deals magic over 4 sec Quote: W: Smoke Barrier: Cooldown: 16/15/14/13/12 Cost: 60 Creates a wall of smoke preventing line of sight lasts 3 sec wall grows longer with each rank in it 400/ 500/ 600/ 700/ 800 range. This barrier also nullifies incoming enemies spells. Allies gain 10/ 15/ 20/ 25/ 30 +(.1 per ap) Health Regen while behind the barrier. (Barrier deteriorates where the Aoe hits) Quote: E:Living Fog: Cooldown: 16/15/14/13/12 Cost: 80 Summons a Living Fog That can be moved by pressing e, Grants vision and can go 1125 range away from smoke any more and the living smoke will reappear on smoke. (The living shadow can be killed with Aoe's, they disperse its fog killing it.) It deals 5/ 10/ 15/ 20/ 25 +(.2 per ap) Quote: R: Smoke Grenade: Cooldown:160 / 120 / 80 Cost: 0 Tosses a smoke grenade That limits enemy vision while within the radius. Reduces enemies defensive stats by 15 30 45 magic resist and Armour Scales off of your max defensive stats total (.25) example: 50 magic resist and 50 armor would = 25 armor and magic resist reduced from enemies. Smoke lasts for 4 sec (Still need to add Cooldowns) base values and scaling was just my original thoughts on where they should be compared to the current game, but please provide feed back I am a novice at this and could use the advice.

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His Q is OP since he can blind a target up to 4 seconds. I'm a bit confused whether Smoke blinds the target that stays in the aoe or does the target gain the debuff blind for 4 seconds when he makes contact with the aoe

Love his passive. Also the fact he is an energy champion that is support. Some of his abilities could be changed to added a little bit more effect. Other then that great.

Q: Healing Mist/Tear Gas:
Grants a heal on allied target, while allied target is in the designated radius (small circle like graves smoke he cant be targeted for .50 .75 1 1.25 1.5 sec (.5) Ap scaling
Throws an aoe at the enemy making them not be able to attack targets while in the aoe (lasts 4 sec) also applies a dot 5 10 15 20 25 (.5) ap scaling deals magic over 4 sec

Mite want to reduce the blind effect and have it a set blind. Like you walk into it, then you take a poison like effect. This would allow you to keep it up for 4 sec with a min of blind 1.5.


W: Smoke Barrier:
Creates a wall of smoke preventing line of sight lasts 3 sec wall grows longer with each level in it 100 150 200 250 300 yards


Make it a bit more unique, add a healing reduction to it. Walking through smoke generally does something to you.

Alright, let's see what you've come up with here. The idea of an energy dependent support seems like it'd be hard to balance, but we'll address that in the skillset.


Aesthetics:
I would comment on your champion's appearance here, but there isn't much to go on. The only things I can see is that would hint at the look is his smoke based abilities. However, the race depicts him as a "Phoenix Born." I have no idea what that would look like. Is he a bird? A human with avian features? A visage of melded smoke? I have nothing concrete here.


Lore:
You said your lore was one of your weak points. I believe i've identified a few reasons as to why this may be. I apologize if I come off as a bit harsh, but I feel like this is a place that could use a few improvements. As such, allow me to tell you what I feel didn't work, as well as how you may fix these issues:

1. Nothing in the story seems coherent. His father was a void-born, and that's a pretty bizarre thing already, but his mother being a phoenix takes the story from bizarre to inconsistent. However, everything afterward from the "help the child escape until when he was older could rule this world" bit takes the story from inconsistent to great calamity kittens.

If you want to fix a problem such as this, you need some way to ground the story, characters, and plot. Make sure that there's a concrete reason behind everything in your story.

2. There's no attachment to the character. I understand this is a teaser, but we know nothing about Smoke as a person. All we get is an observation of the plans set forth by someone else. Combined with the fact that the events in the lore aren't impacted in any way through Smoke's own actions, his lore feels less like his own personal story and more like a quick analysis from the perspective of somebody else.

If you want people to get invested in Smoke as a character, they need to understand him. His ambitions, his goals, his hardships, everything that drives Smoke can be used to further his story. Getting people to empathize with a character is not easy work, but the results can give people a very strong impression.

I know that the story is suppose a teaser, but if the rest of the story follows the same style, then you may want to keep my suggestions in mind.


Skills:

Passive: Fog Manipulator: This is the first ability i've seen that directly deals with the fog of war. I can see that being quite beneficial for your team, and quite nerve-wracking for the enemy. I can't say whether or not this is balanced on its own, so i'm going to look at the other abilities.


Q: Healing Mist/Tear Gas: I'm going to need a bit more information to go on. Cooldowns, the actual healing amount, but most of all, the energy cost. Energy is usually a static 200 points. With that in mind, I can't get an accurate read out on any ability unless I can get a feel for how it will impact his resources. Also, does the blind last as long as the area or is it a separate duration?


W: Smoke Barrier: I don't see much wrong with this ability, but I would like clarification on the starting length, final length, and growth rate. Also, the cooldown is exceptionally important here, as spell shields are very tricky business.


E:Smoke Bomb: A trap ability? On an energy champion? That could be some tricky business, but without the durations, cooldowns, costs, and the like, I can't call anything in terms of balance.


R:Smoke Grenade: Your scaling might need to be re-evaluated. (.25) is 25% so having 50 mr and armor would actually translate to 12.5 mr and armor reduced. Another thing, it would be beneficial to put in the amount that it reduces vision range to.




Final Thoughts:
This concept has potential, but there are a few things preventing me from getting invested in Smoke. Firstly, the lore doesn't engage the reader. That could be due to it's shortness, but it also has problems which I highlighted above.

Secondly, there is a great deal of crucial information missing from the skillset. Durations, cooldowns, and energy costs on all abilities are nowhere to be found, so I really can't call heads or tails on his balance.


You mentioned that you were a novice at this and would like advice. I hope my review raised a few points that could help you in your concepts. I apologize if my review seemed unduly harsh to you, but I believe that it's a better idea to let people know about the flaws you perceive instead of just piling on praise.

I hope my review helps you out, and if you're willing to do your part in the review trade, feel free to check out one of the champions in my index.

If you want tips on lorecrafting I have a thread on Lore Creation Tips. If you want help writing it I offer Lore Writing services completely charge free :P. If you have questions about Lorecrafting in general I have a thread for that as well. I have included links within the text allowing you to click on the text that relates to the services you require.

Moby the White Champion Creation Forum Council Member
Speciality: Lore

Myth has perfectly addressed most of the major weak points of this lore. The concept makes almost no sense due to the lack of information, and the backstory is not even present. I suggest finding a reason that these two found love with each other. "Because the love one another." this is great and all but rather lackluster. Your main flaw while writing is that you suffer from the "and then he died" disease. 'They met. Fell in love. Had baby. The father faught people, and then he died.' Pretty much your lore in a nutshell. Ask yourself as you read this, what do these sentences lack? Primarily they lack information-background information that is full of juicy adverbs and adjectives that create once more a beautiful or tragic iconic scene where our character becomes truly developed. You want your character to become real? Then make him real to the reader. How can the reader become absorbed by your characters if we know nothing about them? This all reflects what Myth said.

Passive seems neat, new, and helpful for ganks, although this should also affect minion vision to a lesser extent. I think it could do with a bit of a buff for the reduction on enemies, somewhere around 75. Wards and Towers should remain be unaffected.
also, "through", not "threw"

Q - Reminds me a lot of the WoW Rogue spell Smoke Bomb (enemies can't target allies through the smoke) only with a heal. The enemy cast seems to just be a carbon copy of Grave's smokescreen and you don't really need it with the support you get from the ally cast.

W - This can't nullify spells. Smoke doesn't really block anything but light. If you want this to be sort of a LoS blocker then you should have it on a lower cooldown (8 seconds), make it deal damage and blind if walked through, and have it deteriorate if skillshots are fired through it or enemies walk through it.

E - Seems a lot like Teemo's shrooms only no slow. Personally I'd like to not see a trap. I'd like to see something more offensive and active, or some sort of mobility skill (like a smoke dash)

R - If you have this spell then you really don't need the offensive capability of Q. This seems to be more of a support skill than anything.


A lot of your abilities do the same thing. If you want to add variety and versatility, things need to do different stuff.

I personally don't feel like you executed his skillset properly.

Things you could do to make it more playable:
-Make Q a targeted skill that deals damage to the target and creates an AoE cloud of green smoke that poisons targets in the effect for a DoT that lingers longer than Singed's poison trail. Make the CD short and make this his offensive ability.
-Remove the spellblock on W and make it short cd and damage/blind enemies that walk through it.
-Turn E into a mobility or gap closer skill
-Take the support aspect of Q and apply it to your Ultimate, creating a massive shroud that stealths allies once on cast for a few seconds (2/3/4) and applies the heal while allies are in it and the debuff while enemies are in it.

This completely changes his skillset but retains the theme and general idea of his spells, so I'm not sure if you want to change it so much.

In its current state I don't feel like he has enough active offensive capability.

Im not quit sure how much 50 yards is in league terms but i do know is that if its too long it will give your team a HUGE advantage since it would basicaly make your team always see the enemy team before they see you allowing your team to prepare and initiate teamfights better. I like the smoke barrier concept though.

50 yards isnt much if anything needs to be increased singed toss is only 125

Made a tiny misspell in the passive. It says threw, but I think you meant through. Also for the passive 50 yards seem like a lot, maybe have it as a range of 50 bonus instead of saying yards?

So e is like teemo's ult? Laying out bombs and just waiting to see if some one steps on it? Maybe you can give the option to either laying it down or throwing it at an enemy and having it explode on contact?

That's all I can really say about him without the the cool downs and costs. But once those are up, or if they even do get up I'll take another look at him

Third one I have reviewed for you, and I only got three champions made up. Just pointing this out.
http://na.leagueoflegends.com/board/...ghlight=saniaz