Have you tried to delete your lol_launcher/releases folder? If you do, and it doesn't work, you will be forced to reinstall LoL, which is seemingly likely at the moment.
It's located at harddrive:Program Files/League of Legends/RADS/projects/lol_launcher/release...

I don't know any other way to get your launcher to start, since you can't even run a repair.

Still crashing before anything loads up. I did try to download the installer to reinstall awhile ago, but as usual, Riot doesn't have that up and running.

Did you try the mirrored installer?

If that is this l3cdn.riotgames.com/Installer/SingleFileInstall/LeagueOfLegendsBaseNA.exe

Then is it also not working for anyone

http://l3cdn.riotgames.com/Installer...eofLegends.exe

And this one doesn't work either?

Not surprised, but nope... just an endless load cycle.

Shockingly everything else works and updates fine on my PC, Dota 2, SC2, etc.

That's disturbingly odd. It didn't download the file, or it didn't run?

Did not run, as in the prompt to download the file never occurred.

Well, I just clicked it right now and it's downloading.
That makes me think your browser software or internet is wonky.

Question: Have you made any sort of changes to Internet Explorer recently?
Also, have you accessed/logged into your router to check the hard faults/signal status recently?

I do not use IE, cause that is virus prone.

I am running Firefox, and havn't changed or updated it in a couple weeks.

I am also on a college internet network, hardwired in, and it has never had an issue with allowing in games (with the exception of the Wii).