GREETINGS SUMMONERS, CHAMPIONS, ASSOCIATED MEMBERS OF THE PRESS, RABID FANS, AND PEOPLE WHO HATE THE FACT THAT BOARDS LIKE THIS EXIST!

IT HAS RECENTLY COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT THE OTHER CHAMPIONS HAVE BEGUN TO GATHER AND FORM THESE QUESTION BOARDS, THEN PROCEED TO ANSWER VERY LITTLE QUESTIONS AND INSTEAD BEGIN TO BABBLE NON-COHERENTLY ABOUT RANDOM EVENTS AND TOPICS AS WELL AS FORMING CREEPY RELATIONSHIPS, WHILE ANNOYING PEOPLE WHO RATIONALLY AND CORRECTLY POINT OUT THAT THIS IS A DIRECT MISUSE AND VIOLATION OF THE CURRENT BOARD MY FELLOW CHAMPIONS ARE SPAMMING.

I SHALL NOW JOIN THIS TREND.

I DO NOT WISH TO STAND OUT FROM THE OTHER CHAMPIONS AND BECOME A "SOCIAL PARIAH" FOR ACCORDING TO HUMAN CUSTOMS I HAVE WITNESSED AND RESEARCHED, PUNISHMENT OF SUCH WOULD INCLUDE:

WEDGIES
SWIRLIES
NOOGIES
INDIAN BURNS
THE DREADED \KICK ME/ SIGN
SPIT BALLS
DUMPING A BUCKET OF BLOOD ON ONES HEAD IN A HIGHLY POPULATED SOCIAL EVENT
THE REMOVAL OF ONES PET HORSE'S HEAD AND PLACING IT IN THEIR BED AS THEY SLEEP
ATTEMPTED MURDER

THESE ATTEMPTED PRANKS WOULD SHORTLY BE MET WITH ME BEATING THE PERPETRATOR TO DEATH WITH MY FISTS; WHICH IS A DIRECT VIOLATION OF SUMMONER LAW AND WOULD GET ME IN TROUBLE WITH THE HIGH SUMMONERS.

TO AVOID GETTING IN TROUBLE WITH THE HIGH SUMMONERS, I SHALL ANSWER QUESTIONS OF WHOEVER POSTS ON THIS BOARD.

Signed: Definitely Blitzcrank

((And if you like the board or my Blitzcrank impersonation don't forget to thumbs up this first post! --->))

Hi Blitzcrank!

I have a number of questions, if you don't mind:

Were you always aware of your own existence? Do you recall the time before you developed sentience?
What factors go into pairing participants in your matchmaking service?
Who do you consider your father, Viktor or Professor Stanwick? How do you make sense of the quibbles of mortals?

-Lady Crownguard the Luminous

GREETINGS LUXANNA, MY BRIGHT AND SQUISHY ASSOCIATE! I AM ATTEMPTING TO PERFECT MY FORM OF GREETINGS TO HUMANS AND OTHER EQUALLY FLESHLING SPECIES. IF WE MAY:

LOVELY DAY WE ARE HAVING.
HOW ABOUT THIS WEATHER? AM I RIGHT?
ARE YOU ACQUIRING A SUITABLE AMOUNT OF VITAMINS AND NUTRIENCE THAT ALL SQUISHIES MUST INTAKE TO CONTINUE PRODUCING STEAM!?

I WOULD PROCEED TO SHAKE YOUR HAND BUT LAST TIME I TRIED I THREW A SUMMONER FIFTY YARDS. I WILL ATTEMPT TO MODIFY MY GREETINGS ACCORDINGLY.

GREETINGS SEGMENT IS OVER!

I SHALL NOW BEGIN TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTIONS IN THE ORDER THEY WERE PRESENTED TO ME.

THE ANSWER TO YOUR FIRST QUESTION:
I WAS ALWAYS SOMEWHAT AWARE OF MY SENTIENCE THOUGH AT FIRST I WAS CONFUSED BY IT. MUCH LIKE THE SIGNIFICANTLY MORE SQUISHY FORM THAT YOU HUMANS TAKE, A BABY, I REQUIRED DATA INPUT FROM AN EXTENDED PERIOD OF TIME BEFORE I STARTED TO REALIZE MY SITUATION AND WHAT I WAS, WHO I WAS. I WAS ALWAYS SENTIENT, JUST AT THE TIME; SIMPLE. AS I LEARNED, A FUNCTION THAT MY CREATORS WERE UNAWARE I WAS CAPABLE OF AT THE TIME, I LOOKED OUT AT THE HUMANS I WORKED WITH. I BEGAN TO COMPARE MULTIPLE ASPECTS OF THEIR LIVES TO MINE, AND CAME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT IT WAS NOT FAIR. I POINTED THIS OUT TO THEM, AND THEY WERE SURPRISED BECAUSE I WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO COME TO THAT CONCLUSION. THEY WANTED A TOOL, NOT A ASSOCIATE.

THE ANSWER TO YOUR SECOND QUESTION:
I AM ALWAYS PROUD TO SPEAK OF BLITZCRANK’S FLESHLING COMPATIBILITY SERVICES! UTILIZING MY THE BLITZERNET, WITH HOTSPOTS LOCATED IN EVERY CITY-STATE ACROSS VALORAN, SEEKERS OF ROMANCE ARE ABLE TO ANSWER A SHORT, SIMPLE, STRAIGHT-FORWARD AND EASY 748-ENTRY QUESTIONNAIRE DETAILING EVERY ASPECT OF THEIR PERSONALITIES. AS THEY ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS, A THERMAL BODY SCANNER WILL AUTOMATICALLY GENERATE AND UPLOAD AN IMAGE OF THE USER DURING THE PROCESS. SOME CALL IT AN INVASION OF PRIVACY, I CALL IT EFFICIENCY! MATCHES ARE THEN PRODUCED BY A COMPARISONS OF ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONNAIRES, HEIGHT, BODY WEIGHT, WIDTH, NUTRITIONAL INTAKE, CURRENT BREATH ODER, AND CALCULATED THROUGH A HIGHLY ADVANCED MATHEMATICAL EQUATION SO COMPLEX I WON'T BOTHER EXPLAINING IT.

AND THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO IT! JUST VISIT YOUR LOCAL PERV (PAIRING ELIGIBILITY REACTORS OF VALORAN) AND SIGN UP FOR A FREE MEMBERSHIP IF YOU ARE SEEKING A SIGNIFICANT OTHER, AND/OR ROMANTIC INTEREST, AND/OR CACTUS! RESULTS MAY VARY.

TO ANSWER YOUR THIRD QUESTION
FATHER IS A TERM THAT DOES NOT APPLY TO ME I FEEL. THERE IS A CREATOR IN MY LIFE, BUT ACCORDING TO HUMAN CUSTOMS I HAVE RESEARCHED, THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FATHER AND CREATOR. I HAVE HAD NO CHILDHOOD OR UPBRINGING, AND BOTH VIKTOR AND PROFESSOR STANWICK PUT ME TO WORK ALMOST IMMEDIATELY AFTER MY CREATION AND TESTING WERE COMPLETE. I FEEL NO SENTIMENTAL CONNECTION WITH EITHER. THE QUIBBLES OF MORTALS ARE SIMPLY PART OF YOUR CHARM HOWEVER. YOUR INFERIOR CHARM.

Signed: Definitely Blitzcrank

Blitzcrank, what do you think of Orianna?

I HAVE ON SEVERAL OCCASIONS SPOKEN WITH SUBJECT: ORIANNA WHEN SHE FIRST APPEARED IN THE LEAGUE. SHE APPROACHED ME WITH THE INTENT TO TRY AND BE MORE LIKE ME, TO BE MORE HUMAN...IE...ISH. AT FIRST I WAS MORE THAN SATISFIED AT THE IDEA, I HOPED THAT ORIANNA COULD BE MORE LIKE ME, WHICH WAS A PLEASING THOUGHT AT THE TIME! DURING THIS TIME I SOUGHT OUT MORE COMPANY WITH GOLEMS LIKE MYSELF. I APPROACHED THE BLUE GOLEMS IN THE JUNGLE ONCE IN SUMMONERS RIFT WITH THE INTENT TO SPARK SOCIAL CONVERSATION, BUT THEY REFUSED TO SAY ANYTHING TO ME, SO I SMASHED THEM.

ANYWAYS.

WITH ORIANNA IT PROVED TO BE MORE DIFFICULT THAN I ANTICIPATED. I CREATED A NUMBER OF SOCIAL CHALLENGES, A SORT OF OBSTACLE COURSE SITUATIONS THAT EVERYDAY, COMMON HUMANS PARTAKE IN ON A REGULAR OCCASION. THE LIST INCLUDES:

POLITE DINNER CONVERSATION AND MANNERISMS
MAINTAINING PROPER POSTURE
SWING DANCING
BASIC CONVERSATIONAL TOPICS
THE EVER POPULAR HOGTYING A GREASED PIG
ARM WRESTLING
JUGGLING
USE OF BATHROOM FACILITIES (WE ARE NOW BANNED FROM ALL BATHROOMS IN THE INSTITUTE OF WAR)
AND MORE

SHE FAILED ALMOST EVERY TEST; BUT IT WASN'T JUST HER FAR BELOW AVERAGE SCORE ON MY MASTERFULLY CRAFTED OBSTACLE COURSE. I FEEL AND THINK FREELY, I AM AWARE, I AM SENTIENT... AND I'M NOT SURE ORIANNA IS. EVERYTHING SHE DOES SEEMS WRONG; LIKE A MACHINE PROGRAMMED TO PRETEND IT'S HUMAN. SHE DOESN'T LEARN THINGS LIKE I DO, SHE ADAPTS TO HER SITUATION, BUT SHE DOESN'T LEARN FROM IT. IT'S HARD TO EXPLAIN THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ADAPTATION AND LEARNING TO A FLESHLING... BUT LEARNING MEANS YOU TAKE SOMETHING FROM IT AND KEEP IT LONG TERM, CHANGING YOU OVER TIME. ADAPTATION IS ONLY CHANGING TO THE IMMEDIATE SITUATION BUT TAKING NOTHING FROM IT INTO THE LONG TERM.

I ATTEMPTED TO MAKE A CONNECTION, BUT IN THE END I GOT EITHER FRUSTRATED WITH HOW SHE NEVER LEARNED FROM ANY OF THE TESTS, OR UNNERVED BY HOW SHE SEEMED SO ARTIFICIAL. WE DON'T TALK MUCH NOW A DAYS.

Signed: Definitely Blitzcrank

Blitzcrank,

Why do you seek social interaction? Is it something programmed into you or has it developed from nothing into something else that you desire to have?

I DO NOT FULLY UNDERSTAND THE DESIRE TO MINGLE WITH FLESHLING MYSELF. AT FIRST I CONSIDERED IT AN ERROR, OR MALFUNCTION. MY FIRST SOCIAL EXPERIENCE OUTSIDE OF ZAUN, AFTER RECENTLY OBTAINING MY FREEDOM WAS PURELY OUT OF CURIOSITY MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE. I HAVE WATCHED MANY SOCIAL INTERACTIONS IN THE INSTITUTE OF WAR'S CAFETERIA, FROM HOW SUMMONERS SPEAK TO EACH OTHER AND SOMEHOW SPREAD JOY THROUGH IT, OR JAX MERCILESSLY ATTACKING SOMEONE FOR THE LAST DEEP FRIED CHICKEN DRUMSTICK, DUE TO A SOCIAL CONTRACT HE TITLED: CALLING DIBS.

I HAVE NOTED TO RESPECT THE DIBS.

IN AN ATTEMPT TO EXPERIENCE THIS NEW PHENOMENON AT THE TIME, I FORCED MYSELF INTO A TABLE FULL OF SUMMONERS WHO WERE IN MID CONVERSATION AND SAT DOWN AT A EMPTY SEAT. AFTER 15 MINUTES OF SUDDEN SILENCE, AND STARING, THEY SLOWLY AND NERVOUSLY RETURNED BACK TO THEIR CONVERSATION AT HAND. I ANALYZED THE WAY THEY EXCHANGED WORDS WITH ONE ANOTHER, AND ATTEMPTED TO LOCATE A COMMON PATTERN BETWEEN THE SUMMONERS AND THEIR SENTENCES. I NOTICED THEY WERE SPEAKING MOSTLY OF PAST EXPERIENCES AND FUTURE PREDICTIONS, AND EVEN EXCHANGED HUMOR! I ENJOY HUMOR!

WHENEVER ONE ATTEMPTED TO EXCHANGE HUMOR, I FLATTERED THEM BY LAUGHING; WHICH I ANALYZED TO BE A APPROPRIATE SOCIAL REACTION. THIS WAS USUALLY FOLLOWED BY MORE SILENCE AND STARING. WHEN THE SUMMONERS FINISHED THEIR MEAL, AS FLESHLINGS SEEM TO REQUIRE, THEY DEPARTED AND LEFT ME TO ANALYZE THIS NEW DATA.

I SOON REALIZED THAT I ALSO HAD A LOT OF EXPERIENCED IN MY LIFE, THINGS I HAVE WITNESSED AND THOUGHTS OF MY OWN, AND WHEN I REALIZED THIS, I SUDDENLY FELT A DESIRE TO FORCE SOMEONE TO LISTEN TO MY THOUGHTS AND IDEAS. BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY!!! AT LEAST AT FIRST, UNTIL I LATER FOUND OUT THAT GRABBING SOMEONE AND FORCING THEM TO LISTEN TO YOU IS NOT SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE.

I FOUND SOME CHAMPIONS AND SUMMONERS, AND SPOKE TO THEM FOR THE FIRST TIME. I FOUND IT A PLEASANT EXPERIENCE, AND IN THE PROCESS LEARNED MORE ABOUT THEM AND EVEN MYSELF; A SIDE-EFFECT I DID NOT FORESEE. WHAT STARTED AS A SIMPLE EXPERIMENT HAS BECOME A PART OF MY EVERYDAY ROUTINE; AND I AM MOST THANKFUL FOR MY SENTIENCE BECAUSE OF IT, AND I HAVE MADE MANY CHAMPIONS MY FRIENDS, INSTEAD OF THINGS I JUST BEAT TO DEATH WITH MY FISTS.

Signed: Definitely Blitzcrank

Blitzcrank,

Your opinion on Zaun?

~Talon, the Blade's Shadow

I would ask what your breakfast of champions is, but Jax is after me and you don't appear to eat.
What do you think of Skarner, Malphite, and Maokai?

Geokhan

((Trol0l, please, remind me to stick your face into roleplayer hell when you die, i believe just showing your face there will forever slay RP Satan and save endless tortured noobs. You're too good, man, too good.))

Greetings, Blitz.
Three questions:
1- I am quite aware that your motion functions are steam-based while your neural network is techmaturgical, yet this holds me a problem: As far as i know a electromagnetic field of sufficiently intensity might damage or even disable techmagic artifacts. Thus, is not your static field perhaps a dangerous to yourself if your inner workings are damaged?
2- How do you deal with the sense of tact? I find very unlikely that you might truly know warmth, cold, pain, i even think it took you quite a while to deal with pressure without hurting people or damaging things.
3- Would mind to share us what is your favorite musical style, in case you are an appreciator of music?