WOW I can't believe this hasn't gotten more posts and views. Utterly hilarious writing. You should get mundo in on this too.
Teemo does need a legit rework or a whole set of buffs. Blinding dart only really scare a couple of champions in terms of shutting down their damage. It is also one of 2 moves now that still have the blind mechanic in the game, R.I.P. Phosphorous Bomb. Move Quick is useful at kiting, but only lasts so long, has a ridiculous cooldown, and wears off after one hit. His auto attack range is ridiculously short, too short to effectively harass many champions. I think it's about the same range as TF and Ashe, who are notorious for having some of the shortest auto attack ranges, but also have ridiculous ultimates that completely make up for it. Teemo's passive is great for juking and hiding, but vision wards and oracles hard counters that passive.