Onto the words I have for your Story, Ask Vayne, I would like to say I'm enjoying it very much. I like the character growth you've infused into Fiora, someone who I'd never thought of as being a candidate for Main Character status for any novel (which this story is, by the way. Good show there.) I at first began to wonder why you chose Fiora, but then realization hit me. I won't go around spilling the beans, but if you picked her for the Pragmatic reason I think you did, then excellent work.
The way you write is very engaging, although you could stand to "show, not tell" a bit more. Meaning just have the characters do something, and have the reader come to understand, rather than having them explain everything themselves. I honestly love your battle scenes a whole lot; they're very actiony and full of life. Also, you develop characters really well. I can see Fiora growing as a person throughout the story, becoming more and more interesting with every encounter, an obviously great thing to have a lot of in any decent story. I do hope you make good on your promise to develop Shen and Talon more as well, as I will likely find whatever story you develop for them to be very interesting indeed.
Onto the story itself, it is evolving nicely. It fits in with a lot of the bits and pieces of Lore Riot has given to the hungry Lore-Readers' playerbase, making them all fit together in a complex web of intrigue. I give you good marks for coming up with all the other backstory things, such as the Goddess and the Atlas civilization and the Aesirs and such. Plus, I give you huge, HUGE points for killing off over 90 of the League's Champions. Lets me tell you, that takes balls. Any player of the game reading your story has likely summoned many, if not all of the characters perished, and of course they will have attachments to them as their "favorites". You killing them, ritual sacrifice, Shen says the Chaos generated proves it, is remarkable in that you had the strength to kill so many. I, as an author, wouldn't have the guts to do it; I would leave the door open slightly, give the readers hope that a New Party Member will join in the form of their own favorite character any chapter now. You don't give them that luxuray; if any of them survived, it ain't going to be very many, context of the story taken as is. That is something I can respect.
Speaking of respect, I equally adore the fact that you're work is nearly grammatically perfect. There's a few mistakes here and there, but hey, I'm just being picky.
Onto a few gripes I have, I saw Ashram coming a mile away. At first I thought he was just some OC, but as he started doing more and more blatently over-powered things, I instantly came to the conclusion that this character was either Ashram, or a Marty Stu. Thank God it proved the former. I can accept Ashram being so powerful because Riot has specifically stated the High Summoners are like Deities in their sheer power. Despite that though, I still think that the story could have worked if you made most of what he tried to do be more "coincidences" than him outright explaining everything and showing off his skills, hiding the fact he's Ashram for a while. Such as the Crystal thing in Piltover. Why not, instead of him simply spilling the beans, have the gang conferr with a contact he knew in Piltover, who gave them the rundown of what's been the goings on? That migth have changed the story just a bit, but I think more for the better that Ashram stay a secret as long as possible, just to give that "shock" factor to the reader.
Also, I feel like you have the characters on the brink of defeat, and suddenly pull them back too often. Everyone can accept a good 'ol Dues Ex every now and again, but they've started to become status quo. Sure, they heighten the drama for a while, but then it just seems so very "constructed" when the saviors comes out of nowhere. If you could, I would like to see less of these moments, more equal battles, as if, say, the heros battle a Big Bad, he's got them on the ropes, but he's worn down too. He pulls out an ace in the hole, but they quickly use their own knowledge to re-direct the attack. It's less "random ability has activated!" and more, "They used their surroundings and tactics to win that fight"
One last, and rather silly thing. Some of the Chapter Prefaces begin with something from "The Memiors of Luxanna Crownguard".
That really killed the drama for me. I sure hope you know why, but I'm going to say it anyway; Lux has to survive in order to write memoirs, and thusly, they succeed in their quest. By including this, you've firmly secured her survival to the end, and that they win. Of course, it's as expected for a novel; you rarely hear of books where the Villians win, do you? But when you're reading a story, you don't let that outside knowledge of inevitable victory for our Heros interfere; instead, you gain a ton of suspence from reading about them risking their lives, as you become attached to them, hoping for their survival. You putting the "Memiores" in ruins a bit of that. For the best example of that, well, you already provided it. The chapter where Fiora, overtaken by the Darkness, stabs Lux in the gut. In any other story? Reader thinks she's 100% dead, that they killed the plucky sidekick and now **** is serious. In this story? I just read her memiores. I know for a fact she's fine. And what do you know, next chapter, illusory clones. Just as expected.
But you may be thinking, "Ah! But Still Eternity, what if I say screw fate and kill Lux anyway?" Well, then Lux obviously can't write any Memiores (the word "Memiores" implies they are written in the future, thusly the implication is she survives into the future, into a time where she is at peace and can indeed, write memiors) and the Chapter Headings were blatent lies. Which is not where the reader wants to be doubting the story. You put them there for good reason, to foreshadow upcoming events, not pull a huge tease on the reader. That's just simply not good writing. So Lux HAS to survive (and thus, securing the hero's victory), because she's wearing this giant suit of Magical-Bulletproof Class SS Deity grade Plot Armor.
Overall, there are a few flaws in this story, mainly the Memiores Drama-Killer as the big one. Dues Exes are fun and cheesy, Ashram being spotted by the reader a mile away is a pleasent tease, but the in-story assurence that the Heros win simply kills a lot of the drama. Sure, you can still have OTHER characters die off, and that's sad. But there's never the chance for a Villianous Victory; it's 100% shut down. And sure, out of story, we expect it, but when engrossed in the novel? We ignore that outside information.
But, even with all that, this is a very engaging tale, told from a character whoam I did not think had the mettle to even be a supporting character, let alone a main one. It is fun and exciting, a bit cheesy at times, but all-together, it's becoming a really great story. I cannot wait to see how it develops.
By the way, I'm sorry if any of my words sound mean or harsh. I'm just being honest and speaking my mind.
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Member
When you're right, you're right... I just hate the thought that Leona would be sacrificed for something so... wrong. Besides, in my fanfic, Leona and Lux are real close, so... you get where I'm going.
