Dear League of Legends champion review committee,
You may not remember me or have even ever met me, but I’ve been a member of the League for a few months now. While I was waiting to be selected for a match, I was talking to Karma, who has been waiting in the lobby for far longer than I have. I was trying to figure out why nobody ever picks me, and she said that probably, like hers, my skills are bad. I write to you now on her advice, in the hope that my skills can be looked at or at least so that I can be given some answers on what the champion review committee thinks of my place in the League.
To begin with, I think my visual design and both my skills and stats are inconsistent with each other (Mordekaiser, Katarina, and Tristana have also said that they have the same feelings). I am a fierce warrior like Tryndamere and Pantheon, and yet I deal almost entirely magical damage. None of my skills involve hitting anything with my giant flail except for throwing it in my ultimate. I’m not even allowed to be particularly good at hitting things normally with my flail. What did I do all that training and build these muscles for if I don’t get to use them? I also spent years hardening myself to my frigid environment to build up my natural toughness and my resistance to pain, but that doesn’t show up anywhere in my skills or base stats. Part of me suspects that you just used that as an excuse to make me wear this leather bikini. I’ve read the League’s champion rules and regulations, particularly subsection 3 of article 2, pertaining to required attire for female champions. If I did all that training to get physically resilient, you should let me show that by being tough as nails in fights.
Honestly, I don’t even know why I’m riding this boar, either. I thought when they told me that I get to ride a boar that I’d be one of the fastest champions, but then I find out that even that scrawny little Noxian girl who acts all innocent runs faster than I do. (On the plus side, I can keep up with that dreamy stallion Taric, so maybe it’s not so bad.) People say that I need the boar to be able to charge through walls, but Tryndamere and Gragas and a lot of others can do that on their own, and I’m pretty sure I’m strong enough that I could do it, too. Am I forced to ride the boar to run through walls because I’m a woman? The boar is also really fat, which makes it really hard to move around in tight spaces and chase people down, even with my ability chill people (by the way, I thought frost was usually colder than what I’m allowed to put on people). If you’re going to make me ride this boar, could you make it at least do something? Right now it just seems to be holding me back without improving any of my attacks or skills. I don’t think the boar even takes any damage, because I die about as quick as people who aren’t riding a boar. Apparently it also takes him an eternity to recover from just charging forward a little bit. He must be out of shape. It’s like 100% downside, especially when it falls on me. The new guy Hecarim is more or less mounted, and he gets to trample through people and run faster as a result. I am riding a giant boar, so why can’t I at least step on anyone who gets underfoot?
On the rare occasions that a summoner does pick me, they usually tell me to kill the monsters in the jungle. I am an adept hunter due to the scarcity of resources in my land, so I should be well suited to this. However, I have come to notice that I am one of the slowest junglers in the League despite your attempts to let me kill jungle monsters in similar fashion to Dr. Mundo, MBA, MD, CEO, CFO, CIO, COO and Shyvana (she just seems so much better than me), and their magic swirls give them other benefits to boot. Being so slow also makes me take more damage, making it harder for me to safely attack a lane when the opportunities present themselves. I also have a hard time keeping my energy up without the runes from the magic golem. And it’s just a blow to my ego when I take the lizard elder’s runes and find that they give a slow that is stronger than my own frost. I also cannot really play like Alistar or Leona and fight alongside any ranged fighters (like my stupid sister) because until I am allowed to throw my flail my frost is not really cold enough to keep anyone in place or get them off of my partner, and I have a really hard time fighting almost anyone on my own since I can't use the strength and muscles that I have trained so hard for.
When I actually do start fighting other champions, do you know how hard it is for me to keep more than one or two enemies frosted? Especially with my fat, slow boar and glacial cooldowns? Unless they all bunch up and I throw my flail perfectly, I’m lucky to keep my frost and permafrost on more than one champion. This really hurts my damage contributions in a fight and my ability to use permafrost effectively. Don’t get me wrong, I like my ultimate, but I feel like the champion review committee decided that it was too powerful, so they forced me to use weaker skills because of it. Most of the time I feel like once I throw my flail and cast permafrost I’m pretty much done in a fight. I can’t control what any of my targets do, and all I really seem to be able to accomplish is just blowing some wind on the people I stand next to. I think my skills are also kind of a racket coordinated by the shopkeeper, too. They don’t really get much more powerful when I buy ability power, and the items I need to both increase my health to make my northern winds hit harder and to last longer in fights require a large initial investment. I think Doran wants to control what I buy and make them expensive items that I have to save up a long time for.
I hope that you my letter will convince you that my skills and design need to be re-examined, or at the very least I hope that you will give me some response on what the review committee thinks of my current place in the League. I don’t want to end up like Karma is now. She’s a very nice woman and I am glad that she gave me the idea to send this letter, but I think she has gone a little crazy due to her long wait in the lobby and is talking to herself a lot. I’d like to be picked for League matches and not have to overhear summoners saying “Sejuani? Was there someone with that name in the League?” as they walk past me after a match.
PS I think the vandals are really cool and I want to join them. I already have some armor and a helmet picked out, and I have a cinder block on a chain already. Plus I’m already technically riding a hog.
PPS Please nerf Ashe. She is a jerk and I hate her. Did you know that she sent my people a box of popsicles as a peace offering? WHERE DO YOU THINK WE LIVE, YOU IDIOT?
PPPS I just looked at your bar graphs on champion power in attacking, magic, toughness, and difficulty. Why are all of my bars lower than those of Dr. Mundo, MBA, MD, CEO, CFO, CIO, COO?