Originally Posted by Midnight Blues
Hello again my fellow summoners!
So we've all been subject to at least one Riot members wondrously fluent responses in regard to our deep set champion or item related issues. But have you ever wondered just how they do it? Just how they keep us all on knife edge without really offending, or ruining anyones day? (Morello/Phreak you be quiet here)
Ever thought to yourself
"Boy, I wish i could talk just like a Rioter!"
After all, such superb speechcraft can be useful in a whole manner of situations!
Imagine forgetting your homework at school?
whoosh! Ricklessabandon style engaged!
Crisis averted - Detention evaded.
But midnight! How on earth can we be expected to learn the nooks and crannies of Riots speech skills!? Im no speech analyst.
Well look no further ladies and Gentlemen, Guys and Dolls.
Old man Blues is here to help you all out
How to talk like a Rioter 101
Rule number 1. The first and foremost rule.
Never give a timeframe.
How to tell someone you've cocked up - RiotRaRa style
When admitting you've messed something up, Always be sure to blame whatever it is that you've messed up, for the accident. Act as though the actual item has a mind of its own, and, against your best advice; decided to do you over at the last minute.
Teacher: I notice your homework wasn't handed in today Tommy
Response: Sorry Miss, but unforeseen critical issues with the syntax have delayed my homework. Updates when they come
Teacher: Oh I understand. Well! whenever you can, i'll be waiting
How to tell someone you disagree with them - Morello style
When someone's arguing with you on a clearly stupid basis, and you really can't figure out how to make them understand how stupid they are, Try telling them it's all about the bigger picture. Maybe that their opinions are only as such because they don't have any sufficient evidence.
If they provide evidence, tell them it was out of context.
Dude: How can you possibly think that? Obviously Jello is great
You: Well you would say that. You've got to think about how Jello affects desert on the whole though.
Dude: What? Dude, 80% of Americans love Jello. isn't that good enough for you?
You: Well clearly that evidence is out of context. Do 80% of Americans love Crime too? Hmm? I thought so.
Dude: I don't even
You: That's out of context.
How to not give anything away - ANYONE STYLE
Sometimes, lets say your friends are in an argument. You don't wanna take sides. Maybe you're working for a big corperation as a spokesperson, and someone asks you your "personal, unprofessional opinion". As much as you'd love to give it, you really can't.
The trick is to just speak in riddles. Give nothing away
Reporter: Mister Blues, disregarding your position in ConAir, what's your opinion in Global emmisions due to aerotravel?
Mr Blues: Well. Aero travel is a difficult thing to spell. It's not spelt the way you'd pronounce it. Can anyone really have any opinions in something so difficult to spell?
Friend1: Well, (NAME), what do you think? Am i right or is (friend2) Right?
You: Well guys. It's hard to really understand the nature of arguments sometimes. Potentially, both sides can have a reasonable argument with no real understanding of one another. This is the main cause of the issue
Friend1: uh... Yeah that's what I said
NEW:How to agree with someone! - RiotTacoStorm Style!
Whenever attempting to endorse or agree with an idea or opinion, always excite that it'll be your next cosplay idea. No matter the scenario.
Dude: Mate, Scarlett Johanson was SOOO hot in that Avengers movie!
You: Yeah man. She's definitely gonna be my next cosplay
Dude: how are you going to get past the... boobs?
You: TACO STOOOOORRRMMM
How to answer unsolvable questions
Whenever someone asks you a question to which the answer could only ever be "Yeah I messed up", or "yeah Life is just a ***** like that". Always insist the final solution is a positive attitude
Dude: Dude, why did you order mushrooms on my pizza? You know Im allergic
You: You'll find a positive attitude towards pizza has more to do with it than any allergies or intolerances
Dude: No man, i'm gonna die if i eat this
You: With an attitude like that, it wouldn't surprise me friend
How to cease arguments, without question - Tryndamere style!
Sometimes, your other Riot tactics just wont work. You don't want to back down and lose the argument, so you've got one final card to pull. The Tryndamere card. To successfully pull off the Tryndamere card, Halt the opposition with a swift flick of the hand. Take the ringleader, look him dead in the eyes, and with an air of unmatchable confidence. Tell him you're trying. Apologize if you need to. Hold him close, and make him feel like you really care about his opinion.
Use this skill wisely, in the wrong hands it could destroy worlds
That same Dude you keep talking to: Man! I can't believe you did that with my sister! My God****ed Baby sister! I'm gonna kill you!
You: *Grab his shoulder, look him square in the face* I know. I'd be mad to. I don't blame you, but I'm asking you. Please. Forgive me. We all make mistakes.
That same dude will inevitably hold your gaze for a while longer, before breaking into tears as he confesses how much he loves you; and offers his sisters hand in marraige.
WARNING: Pulling this card more than once in an argument is a federal crime in most states
How to move arguments to your favour - PHREAK STYLE!
Sometimes an argument is falling, and you need to give it a boost, not a showstopper, but a boost to your side. Do this by reminding your opposition of other times you've been right, and they've been wrong. Do it with a snarky smile and a shake of the head if they try and argue against it. Accuse them of just speaking to soon, before they can really judge.
Again with the dude: Dude, you're seriously wrong this time. You killed my mom You can NOT argue your way out of this one.
You: Here we go again. This is just like that Mushrooms-on-the-pizza thing.
Dude: I went into a coma for three days!
You: *Shakes head* You're always jumping the gun with these things. You didn't even give the mushrooms a chance, of course you'd think they caused the coma.
Buttering up tactics - Ironstylus style!
So sometimes you don't/can't necessarily win an argument. When this is the case, it's best to employ Ironstylus tactics. Do this by appealing to their sense of goodwill. They're a cool guy. You're a cool guy! Surely you can work this out!
When in doubt, reference strong, independent and modest women.
(It looks like you only really have one friend here): Dude, it pisses me off that your brother keeps sending me these chain letters
You: Dude, I know, i know, I'm annoyed with it too. But isn't it all just silly? Surely we're bigger men than to worry about something so small
(That one friend of yours): huh... I guess it is just a bit of text right?
You: Of course man, don't worry about it. Now lets put on our monacles and Top hats, and Go on the walk for some fine ladies to pick up.
Other guy:The Kind that don't put flesh on display, and insist on paying their half for dinner?
You: The only kind.
(It's him again):Wait, what about my sister? Didn't you two get married?
You: Due to unforeseen critical issues in our relationship, your sister and I have had to regrettably find a difference in opinion which had caused a lot of confusion on either side. I can promise I'm doing everything in my power to clear the issue up, but it's so early in the process that I can't promise anything solid
Now smile and walk off into the sunset.
How to give input - WhattayaBrian style!
Sometimes you don't really have any strong argument or facts either way, but you still want to look like you've got something to say. When this is the case, adopt WYB style, and simply comment upon something which has been spoken about in the conversation so far. Something small, and never say too many words.
(I'm thinking theres more between this guy and you than you're telling us): So I think the Harry potter books are terrible man.
(You have another friend?): What!? Man they're the greatest books of all time. JK Rowling is a legend of our world. Best writer ever
(That first, loyal dude): Are you kidding? She writes for 13 year olds. She just kept publishing books for the money, she doesn't care about her audience
(Other guy): Oh that's ridiculous, lets ask (You), what do you think, (You?)
You: Well, 13 year olds certainly do enjoy reading.
SHABLAM. Both parties presume you know too much to even debate it
How to win arguments that make you look bad - Pendragon style!
So sometimes someone will be saying something, or claiming some falsehood, which is making you or an attatchment to you look bad, broken or unprofessional. When this is the case you need to be firm, sharp and don't give them a chance to recover. Make and example of them so future opposition knows the score
(Here he is again): Man! How the hell could you let me go home with some random stranger! You knew I was drunk as hell, anything could have happened! What kind of friend are you!
You: *Charging...* *Charging...* *Explode*. What kind of friend am I? Am i the kind of friend who gets catatonic enough and so hazardous to my own safety that I force the ones close to me to have to give up their nights to look after me, just because I'm too stupid to know when to stop? This isn't the first time you've made an ass of yourself, and it isn't my job to clean up after you. Sort your life out and get a job, the world is sick of watching you wallow in a pool of your own drunken vomit.
(That guy's taken back): Wha... but I...
You: *FINISHER* Get out of my sight. Don't talk to me again.
For the sake of this threads coherency, you and the guy were friends again after this
How to win people over - Nikasaur style!
sometimes you're not necessarily arguing, but you want to make a good impression. When attempting this- always presume your audience is 14 year old girls. Speak with lots of excitement and higher pitch than usual, and when in doubt, mention chibis and Cute things. People will be attempting to stalk you in no time!
(There's a new guy this time!): Hey, Im newgai. That one dude you spoke to told me you were a-Ok
You: Oh hey there man! How's it going! I love that little beard you got going on. It makes you look so cuuuute :3
(The guy you just met): Uhm... thanks? heh :/
You: I can already tell we're gonna have soooo much fun together. Totally, awesome friendship engaged!
(that other guy): You know what dude, you're awesome. I love you. Please Play LoL with me forever. You're my favourite riot impersonator in the world
Thats all for now, Watch this space though, I'll add more questions that I see posted!
This thread is in Jest.
That means its funny, not offensive.
This just in. Any Rioter posting in this thread will get their own personal speechcraft signature move.
Edit:Well **** son... 5 riot posts and 200 upvotes. This thing is going on the elevator to the TOP FLOOR.
If i hit 500 upvotes, I shall create a video featuring me performing the Riot speechcrafts. That's a promise.
Keep the thread warm guys!
Edit2: Uh... It looks like I might just have to do that Video...I warn you, if it happens, expect a whole new barrage of Riot games videos over the next month...
Edit3: Well you did it... I'll have the Video up sometime this week. If we get to 1000 thumbs, i'll give another one
Edit4: Oh god 700 already... Guys puhls.
REddit- I'd just like a shoutout to Zygen360, for being responsible for about ~80% of all posts in this thread...
Edittide: Upvotes are slowing down. Looks like you're not getting that second video!... thank god..
Well. Promise is a promise... Third video for 2500 ups.
If you make that I might well sing