Please review or bump. pretty much anything will help. i am willing to trade reviews :P

got quite a bit done in 2 hours, ill finish the rest tmrw

Beryl, The Stone Speaker

It started with the Magnetic-Augmented-Device. Beryl was a rising young scientist in piltover that began investigating electricity, the enigmatic streaks of energy the has apparently been featured in magic and some weapons, such as Heimerdinger's concussive grenades. What does cause the lightning to strike that path? and how does that cause destruction, heat, and light? such questions filled the head of the young scientist as she won her first award. Her experiment of pushing stones with switching magnetic polarities garnered interest from the scientific community, for they felt it was, at the time, a unstudied phenomenon. she would grow to win many other awards in the future, for other fields, but her Magnetic-Augmented-Device would remain as a reminder for the true reasons for science. to discover, pursue, and dream.

years later however, while clearing up her old laboratory, she came across the Magnetic-Augmented-Device. She turned the device on for the first time in 7 years, to test to see if it still worked. with it, she molded a magnetic field that pulled a few small clips towards the arm-strapped machine. However, through a stroke of luck, one paper clip shot through it, and altered the clock speed. Suddenly with the fast whirling, rapidly switching magnetic fields generated, she saw an amazing thing happen. A discovery that would be a factor in her now depressed senior scientist Corin Reveck's creation of the ball. Suddenly, the stones she had worked with in her first experiment levitated, and started moving very very quickling, wreaking havoc on her old laboratory. She watched with eager anticipation as she realized she had discovered a previously unknown quirk with electrical and magnetic properties. she kept her discovery a secret, for she needed the peace to research the phenomena, and she knew that the denizens of piltover would treat her as a celebrity with this new discovery.

Beryl would eventually lose her old wonder for electricity once again. however, during the Ionian conflict, she realized science was more than a path to peace and greatness. somehow, during those years, she discarded her former naivety, and began work on allowing herself to be a guardian of the ethical use of science. She eventually developed the weaponized form, the Bipolar Induced Generated Low-electron Operated Levitator, and brings the power of the controlled and studied force itself as a weapon for scientific ethics all throughout the league.

Calm are the stones, till awakened by the fury from the unjust
Jayce- the defender of tomorrow


Stats
Health: 400 (+85/level) (1930 at 18)
Mana 300 (+55/level) (1290 at 18)
Damage: 39 (+2.9 per level) (91.2 at 18)
Attack Speed: 0.625 (+3.9% per level) (1.04 at 18)
Range: 575
Health Regen 4.5 (+0.6 per level) (15.3 at 18)
Mana Regen 7 (+0.6 per level) (14.8 at 18)
Armor: 8 (+4 per level) (80 armor at 18)
Magic Res: 30 (+0/level) (30 at 18)
Move Speed: 310

Weapon:
4 Beryllium stones (get the reference? diamagnetism? hehe)
uses a pack of 4 Beryllium stones, and these affect her spells

Innate:Beryllium Stones (pretty much includes mechanic description too)
Beryl has a stack of 4 Stones. Beryl's spells use 1 stone, and leaves trace on the ground after use. Trace applies one stack of beryllium poisoning every second, and and autoattacking poisoned enemies deal additional magic damage...
after 6 seconds, Beryl will recall and reform the trace as a stone, causing it to fly back to beryl dealing damage. Autoattacks towards enemies reduce the recall cooldown by 1 second.

• Trace AoE radius 175
• Poison damage 5 + 1 * level + 0.07 AP per second per stack
• Bonus Autoattack Damage 3 * level + 0.2 AP
• Recall Damage 18 + 9* level + 0.4 AP

Q: Rail-accelerator (yes i know it sounds more like a coil-gun, but rail sounds better)
Charging up a magnetic field, Beryl accelerates her stones downwards towards a target location, dealing damage to all enemies hit, and leaving a trace on the ground. The rail accelerator also adds a stack of Beryllium poisoning to targets hit, and will stun targets previously afflicted with 2 or more stacks of Berylium Poisoning. Additional stones will add more power to the shot, causing the shot to deal more damage.

• Range 1000
• Mana Cost 50/55/60/65/70 + 1 stone
• Magic Damage 70/105/140/175/210 + 0.6 AP
• Stone additional damge 10% per stone (up to 30%)
• Stun duration 1.5 seconds
• Cooldown 6/6.5/5/5.5/4 seconds
• Targeting variable range skillshot (aka, fizz's ult, you can change the range it will hit)

W: Magnetic Collapse
Beryl slams down a stone into the ground, and focuses magnetic energy on it, dealing damage. upon the 2nd use, or after 4 seconds, shards from the stone will burst outward, dealing damage again to the area, and release a trace on the ground. Additional stones at the time of activation will pin down enemies on initial use, snaring them.

• Range 900
• AoE range 250
• Mana Cost 70/80/90/100/110 + 1 stone
• Magic Damage 50/70/90/110/130 + 0.35 AP per hit
• Snare 0.66 seconds per stone (up to 2 seconds)
• Cooldown 7 seconds (starts after initial use)
• Targeting ground-targeted AoE

E: Tracer Shock (i can use this with the coming of Diana now!
Beryl spins a stone rapidly, splitting it into three parts, and launching it at a target location. The 3 shards split apart and converge at the same place. The shards hit the first enemy they come in contact with and bounce up to 2 times upon hit before returning to the original target and releaseing trace. Enemies hit by any of the bounces will be "marked" with imbedded shards for 5 seconds

• Range 850
• Bounce range 350
• Mana Cost 70/80/90/100/110 + 1 stone
• Magic Damage 50/70/90/110/130 + 0.35 AP per bounce
• Damage decrease per bounce 10%
• Cooldown 7 seconds
• Width 200
• Targeting 3 way skillshot that converges to single point (3 paths. it looks like an ellipse, and one goes through the center, and 2 go through the sides)

2nd use E: Shock Pulse
By using the imbedded shards as a focal point for the magnetic fields, Beryl damages their internal systems by violently ripping out the shards in targets marked by Tracer Shock, dealing additional damage the lower health they have and adding a stack of Beryllium Poisoning. Additional stones channel the magnetic fields more strongly, causing a small AoE to occur around targets upon activation.

• Range 1200 (wont activate if too far)
• AoE range 100 per stone
• Magic Damage 30/50/70/90/110 + 0.25 AP + 8% of missing health
• Targeting Automatic Targeting

R: Induction Overload
Beryl overloads her magnetic systems, causing existing traces to erupt and explode, dealing damage and applying 2 stacks of beryllium poisoning to enemies hit. Beryl will gain the Overload buff, causing traces to maintain the extended range, and existing stones will increase Beryl's attack speed. On 2nd use or after 4 seconds, all traces will recall back to Beryl and her buff ends. Recalled Stones will reduced the cooldown by 1 second

• Trace AoE Radius 325
• Mana Cost 70/100/130
• Trace burst Magic Damage 100/175/250 + 0.6 AP
• Stone Damage increase 17% per stone (up to 51%)
• Bonus Attack speed 10/12.5/15% per stone
• Cooldown 50/40/30 seconds
• Targeting AoE, then AoE around Beryl.

reserved i guess O.o

bump

bumpity

bump again
the stones need someone to talk with :P

bumpity

XD The lore is nice

As for the rest, I am China right now, so not in the mood of doing anything, but since I am a big fan of your works, ehehe XD Ima comment it.

Innate: Interesting, but the trace stuff is confusing to me. How do u attack a trace??

Q: AoE damage with a possibility to become a AoE stun. The effectiveness is right between OP and UP, I just love it. Question however, does the skill automatically use up all available stones? or by reactivation? or something else? Don't really get it.

W: I will like the see the pin down animation :P Anyways, due to the potential THREE seconds snare, I suggest to remove the initial CD thing, or increase the CD.

E: U totally lost me!!!

R: I see Lux O_o Anyways, If I am right, enemy take damage from the beam, they get charge and blow up after 3 second, enemy got affected from the blow up will blow up, right? Can u increase CD? Feels a bit...Idk...I just see too much Lux and Ezreal in here.

Here is a link to my August MCCC Champ, Lore is a bit fcked up, so ya:P Oh, and plz tell me if you think it suits and theme and challenges or not.
http://na.leagueoflegends.com/board/...ht=august+mccc
Get ready to be melted XD

So... what do we have here? Actually that's a legitimate question to start off with, and one you might want to address. All of your skills are incredibly wordy, without just simply saying what they do. I think part of this stems from the fact that the skills are themselves very busy and complicated, but there is still the core issue of more sussinctly writing the skills so that it is, above all, clear and simple to understand. And short would be nice, too. If you need an example of this, just read what Riot's got for most of its champs in terms of skill descriptions. It isn't a whole lot.

Now, skills:

Innate - Needs a bit of a rework. Right now it does a whole lot of different things, including being a resource you have to actually manage ("basic spells leave require a use of 1 stone", which I take to mean that you need a stone to cast a spell, which is not a good thing, especially because you really don't need to. Mundo doesn't have a limited supply of cleavers, and that's for a good, good reason: he doesn't need to bother with tracking his ammo of cleavers.

I know what you're trying to do here, so just do it. Make each skill take a certain number of stones, and drop them at whatever point they do, and have it add the effect. And that's where the passive should stop. It really, really doesn't need to do the CDR effect, simply because you're "supposed to". It's just funky, and doesn't fit well there on the champion. You crammed too much in, basically. If you had to keep one of them, I'd keep the CDR when it returns to you, but then you'd need a more interesting effect to return them to you, which is a whole mess in and of itself, so I'd just leave it off for now.

Q - I don't think anyone really minds the difference between a coil and a rail gun. Although you are right, because I'm not even sure a magnet across the rails would fire right, because it's all based on the induced fields, and the magnet may just spin it out of control. But that's not important....

I like the simple parts of this. Line skillshot, adds the debuff, good good. It doesn't need to stun in some arbitrary way though, nor does it need to do more damage based on how many stones you have, unless you plan on having it use multiple stones... Overall, just keep it simple, dood. It's a good skill, don't force it to be more than that. (And the range may be a bit high, but I'm not a numbers guy. At all)

W - I... honestly don't quite understand what this is doing. Is it an AoE skill that can be re-activated to go boom? And what's with the "additional stones will smite down during the first strike..." thing? Why is that there, and what triggers it? Does that even need to be there, or can it be simple (which it already verges on not being). If you want a CC skill, which it seems you do, actually make a CC skill, because all the effects thereof seem to be just filler, tacked on so that you have it somewhere, but you don't trade off having everything else either.

E - Is another hard skill, because the visual effect isn't well explained. You're describing what you're thinking, without being clear enough to see quite what you mean... Much less do I understand how the second effect works, or how it comes into play, or why. Clarity and simplicity, I cannot stress enough.

R - You've got something cool here, but it doesn't actually take advantage of what you've been doing the whole time: laying out AoE debuffs (nor does the champ at any point take advantage of the passive debuff making auto-attacks do magic damage, which is a real shame. I'd say something here, maybe even the ultimate, needs to be reworked to play into that in a cool way. Possibly turning him into a nasty strong chaser, pulling himself toward any trace that is out there and giving him a sweet attack speed... Just a thought...)

It's a neat effect, if done right, but as of right now, it's a little bland. Yeah, big gun that deals repeating damage. Cool, but it doesn't feel like it completes him like an Ultimate should. It needs to take everything you've been doing the whole game long, and work with them to make something downright badass. I can see a skill like this working on another champion as an ultimate, but the rest of the skills would need to build up to making this work well, but right now, it... just doesn't yet.

Good luck to you though, you've got good ideas, they just could use some heavy polish and a couple reworks. You'll do well, I'm sure.

I'll be back to check up on him later, but in the meanwhile, if you've got the time and would like to help me out: Telmas could use some feedback. Thanks!

thx for the reviews guys
i think i got carried away by describing how the skill effects should look O.o

i probably need to describe the kit better.

i wanted to integrate ammo management with her skills, and also on the field
ill go change all tooltips to mainly spell mechanic descriptions

i will cut out the autoattack trace return and cdr on recall away. you probably are right about it being funky

im pretty sure i completed the CDR challenge with autoattacks reducing stone recall timer, just wanted to have a way for her to reduce her ult and basic skills cooldown.

and i like your ideas on the ultimate tbh
i may redesign it, if an idea comes in my head
i really wanted a c&c 3 mothership catalyst cannon on one of my champs, and i thought "why not" on the mad science champ
i tried to make it so all the stones would come back to her, dealing aoe damage to enemies in the path, and more aoe on the ult O.o

i think i finished a rough fleshing of new ult
bumpity