To be precise, word choice and sentence structure fall (for the most part) under a stylistic approach, and I don't want to give the impression that I think my advice falls under anything but opinion.
"A sense of pride followed the tall person suit as his tender steps..."
Perhaps you meant to say "tall person's suit" - I'm not sure if you meant for the pride to be following the compound noun that you created "person suit" or if you meant to say "person's suit" and have the pride be following his suit. Also, the word "tender" conveys that his steps were delicate and soft, but the word choice carries a heavy connotation of weakness or fragility. Experiment until you find the word you like the best.
"Calculating Eyes met a faint trace of dismay on their way on these long stone floor..."
I try to avoid repetitions of the same preposition, like "on" in this case. Was "Eyes" meant to be capitalized? Describing the emotion of dismay as one that is "met" by someone's gaze "on their way" to what is being gazed upon is confusing - many people will have to read this passage twice to get what you mean.
"...as unseen looks insignificantly hide their presence for the common man."
Here you say that the "looks" hide their presence. Are these "looks" the gaze of the Eyes mentioned beforehand, or that of the floor upon which the Eyes gaze? Furthermore, why are these looks unseen? If they are unseen and refer to something besides the Eyes and the floor, then what is it? Why is it insignificant that they hide? Do you mean to say "from the common man," or are you implying that they are hiding for the purposes of the common man? Who is the common man - is it Twisted Fate?
Anyway, sorry for rambling. I don't mean to nitpick, I did enjoy your piece greatly!
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