(The meaning of "scrub" should be more or less obvious by the end of this post. For more information, though, you can read one man's thoughts here.)
Welcome, LoL gamer! I'm sure you're eager to get going, so let's get right into it with
STEP 1: CLOSE THIS WINDOW IMMEIATELY.You already know how to play perfectly, or if you don't, you will in 2 or 3 games. Congratulations! OK, moving on...
STEP 2: YOUR ACCOUNT NAMEDon't be afraid to start a new account for this; it's never too late to erase your leave record. The best scrub name has no spacing, and either nocaps, ALLCAPS, or RaNd0mCaPs. Notice the 0 in the last example; inserting numerals is a bonus. Ideally your summoner name should also be as unoriginal and misspelled as possible; popular names are variations on "avatar", "sparten", "beowolf" - in fact, just pick any popular person from a major motion picture or XBox game.
Once you've got your name, it's probably going to be taken (if it isn't, go pick something less original). So to get it accepted into the game, add 2-4 random numerals. These can have personal significance to you alone, but if they have any relevance to an outside observer, pick new numbers.
STEP 3: YOUR COMPUTERIf you want to game like a scrub, you need the right equipment. Ideally you'll have a new machine devoted just to LoL, but if not, wipe your current machine clean and install LoL on it immediately, then run defrag. You need to access hard disk files as fast as possible; this comes into play in the next step,
STEP 4: MATCHMAKINGThis is the most critical step. There's a lot of rules to go over, so you might want to make a cheat sheet or something to keep near your computer.
First off, when you search for a match, keep your mouse cursor over where the "Play" button is going to appear. Seriously, memorize this spot! This is where having a fast computer comes in handy. You need to pick your champion before anyone else does. This should be easy since it will be the same champion you selected last game.
Of course, there is 1 best champion in the game. You probably already know it, but it can change from patch to patch so pay attention to patch notes. This best champion in the game comes in very handy because the game is not balanced. If the game were balanced, there'd be no point in playing it, am I right, scrubs? Good thing we have a game with bad designers that keep good things good and bad things bad.
If you don't get your preferred champion, don't worry! You can close the client and search for a new game. It's really an oversight on Riot's part to not have a "find different team" button right there, but whatever, it's not too hard to bail out and start searching again.
Unfortunately, even if you get the hero you want, there could be a noob on your team. This is your one chance to bail out before you're stuck in a game for the next half-hour with an idiot. Be especially wary of anyone that suggests your team needs more X (e.g. magic damage, attack damage, ranged, tanking). That's noob talk; real pros use the best heroes even if they're all attack-damage-based melees with no slows or stuns. These people need to learn that differences of opinion are a sure sign that they're wrong! Other pros might want to solo mid. If you want to solo mid and they don't immediately give in, quit. You don't have time to play a game where mid will be wasted on a newb.
Also watch summoner spells very carefully. If you see clairvoyance or smite, that person has no plan or strategy whatsoever and you need to get out ASAP. Remember, there's only 1 correct way to play each champion, and smite/clair are never part of it!
STEP 5: THE GAMEThis part is pretty easy since you're the best and smartest person to ever play LoL, and if you lose, it's the fault of the other people on your team, never you. You have no room to grow; you're already the smartest and most skilled person ever to play LoL. However there are a few special strategies to keep in mind:
You've done a preliminary screening process, but odds are at least 1 n00b has snuck his way onto your team. Be vigilant for these signs:
- Getting skills in the wrong order
- Not going to the lane you tell them to
- Asking how other players are going to build their characters
- Asking if anyone else is going to buy a UNIQUE passive aura item
- Buying the wrong items
Mid-game, be on the lookout for enemy champions. If you see one, STOP PUSHING and run there. Abandon your lane and spend the next 30 seconds walking. You won't get any money or XP during this time or help the team in any way, but within 10 seconds of the end of the fight, you'll be there to kill some minions with the other 2-4 champions that flocked there to gank a single enemy. The enemy sighting is never a trap or distraction so this strategy always works. Ignore anyone that presents evidence to the contrary.
If you're losing on kills, SURRENDER. This game is not about towers or nexuses, it's about kills. It's literally impossible to win a game if your team has less kills than the enemy. Surrender immediately if this happens. Be especially judgmental of anyone with lots of minion kills but few champion kills; these people are getting nothing accomplished and will, in time, cost you the game. If they insist on trying to destroy towers instead of luring out and ganking champions, surrender. If the team won't surrender, QUIT.
STEP 6: POST-GAMEPost-game refers to the time when you can chat while the nexus is blowing up as well as the stats screen. Hopefully by now you've been ripping on your allies all game and talking about how bad they are instead of taking it in stride and trying to come up with a plan to win. If you've won, just quit immediately, good job. If you lost, it's critically important you single out the losers on your team and tell everybody about how they're stupid and how much they suck. You can't be constructive here; they need to earn the knowledge of how to play properly or they won't really learn anything. Just tell them how terrible and stupid they are, being sure not to offer any advice for how to play in the future. Use only the numbers provided; if someone seemed good in-game but turned out to not have a lot of kills, they must have sucked without you noticing, The numbers displayed on the front page of the stats screen are the be-all-end-all markers of skill, unless your stats are bad, then it's your team's fault for not ever being around to help you.
So hopefully this is all second-nature to you and you didn't actually need this guide, because if you did, I've got some bad news: you can't be a scrub. A proper scrub never admits even to himself that he doesn't already know everything about the game. Better luck with your next PvP game!